I used to believe that to forgive someone who had really hurt me , or had done unspeakable things...was letting them off of the hook. I always said I forgave this or that person. But, the rage was still inside. I would go so far as to allow people back into my life just to prove to myself and others that I could forgive.
Something wasn't right about it. My heart rate would go up and my throat would close up and horrible anxiety would set in. Why was that happening to me? I mean, I prided myself on how I could handle it all. My closest friends would say "How do you do it? You must be so strong".
No, I wasn't strong. I was betraying myself by telling myself that I had forgiven. When just beneath the surface when scratched, a million feelings would emerge. I learned that it was a process. Learned that letting go was a part of the forgiveness. And I learned to cut that wound out of my life. Many times, I would write down the hurt and put it in a bottle and when I was at the beach, I would send it out to sea. Letting go is the biggest part of forgiveness.
It has taken me a REALLY long time to set a certain prisoner free. That is me. My whole life, I have blamed anything wrong that would happen on myself. If I fell short of expectations, I couldn't forgive myself. I was scared to make people mad, or sad, or anything. Somehow, I took that as me failing and I could not forgive myself for that. It has happened even recently with people that I thought were friends. They cut me out, and I blamed myself. I would not forgive myself for anything at all. It is something that I work on to this day. Like being sick....I can't forgive my body for not doing what I want it to do. It continues to betray me. I believe that the poison of not forgiving goes through my veins and has attributed to making me sicker.
Most recently, I learned of one of my dearest friends father passing. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She told me it happened many months ago and the reason that she didn't tell me was because I had too much going on and she didn't want to bother me. I was sick for days over this. I beat myself up so much for not being there. For being consumed in my world. Becoming blind. I could only think "What horrible person would not see her friend hurting?" The same goes for my family and extended. I always feel that I am never there for them and they are all going through rough times. I keep making the same mistake over and over again with loved ones, and friends. Not seeing what is going in others life. What horrible person could I be if I was so consumed that I did not know about her fathers passing? Or being there for my friends and family in there time of need.
It is a bitter pill.
However, the beautiful thing about forgiving is you stop poisoning yourself. Remember, forgiving is not to make the other person feel better. It is for you to release and to let go. And shut that door and protect yourself.
As for me forgiving myself....it is work in progress. I realize that no one is perfect. And no one can make you feel like you are worthless. Only you can do that. But, I find that each day that passes..the prisoner in me is slowly but surely being released. It has left me raw and unprotected, because I have never known a life where I didn't beat myself up.
Letting go is so freeing and I am lighter each day I am grateful for every single event that has happened in my life. Every one. Believe it or not, I am thankful for the illness these past 2 years. It has forced me to chisel away at the rock of pure poison that I was holding on to. I am finally seeing that sparkling diamond that is inside.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I have had a hard time being able to find my own voice on this subject. And now, thanks to a few mentors in my life and help...I am learning to accept me for who I am.
Growing up, and even until recently I always apologized for who I am. I said I am sorry for everything, even when it was the another who hurt me or something that could not possibly be my fault. I have allowed people to treat me in ways that I accepted. Because for some reason, I thought it had to be my fault.
I have wasted so much energy in this lifetime trying to be what others want me to be. I lost my way. I accepted the criticism, I accepted the name calling, I accepted the outright rudeness towards me. I accepted having friendships that were only coming from my side and the other side just used me when they needed me. I accepted giving myself to others and expecting nothing in return. And that is what I got...nothing in return...and when I reached out to find out what I had done wrong (when, in reality..how could it be my fault when no one lets you in)...the barrage of "You are too sensitive, too much drama, too much, too this and that"
I have now been guided by the help of some amazing mentors to take claim who I am back and to not apologize for the attributes that make others uncomfortable.
Yes, I am "super sensitive", I am too much at times, I do come on too strong at times...it is only because I am trying so hard to get that persons approval. I don't need their approval anymore. Yes, I am quite silly, I am a dreamer, I am passionate, I am forgetful, I am all or nothing, YES...I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things, I did (not now) allow people to use me as a door mat and then me apologizing profusely for not being the perfect door mat. I am quirky, I can be a dork, I can be maddening, I dream big, I laugh and talk too loud. I believe in many different things. I dance whenever I feel like it. I cry when I am angry, I cry at commercials....I am a lot of things that people, and MANY close to me have said about me.
I am me....and I am claiming all of those things as mine and make no apologies for being a person who beats to a different drum. If you do not like me, or want to hear me, or look at me. Move. Or "unfriend" me from whatever social network I am on. But, I am not apologizing any longer for being the person God intended me to be.
You know what? I am glad that I am sensitive. Because this world is FULL of insensitivity. People have become puppets, the world is majority analytical and they want me to fit into their world. No longer, I fit in my world and those that love me, like being in my world.
Should you find yourself not liking who I really am. It is your loss. My husband, and children love all of the quacky ways about me. And you know what...I do too. No more apologies.
Do it for yourself too....be who you are meant to be. DON'T chase after people who are not worthy of your time. Did you know that you are worthy? I am. And YOU get to choose who is worthy enough to be called a friend, or who you want to spend your energy on, and you are worthy enough to be EXACTLY who you are with no apologies.
It has taken me my whole life to get it. It took a really hard talk the other night from my mentor. And for the first time, I got what the people who loved me tried to say....be true to yourself.
I claim my strengths and weaknesses and I love all of them. Try doing it for yourself....I suppose that is what freedom is.
Growing up, and even until recently I always apologized for who I am. I said I am sorry for everything, even when it was the another who hurt me or something that could not possibly be my fault. I have allowed people to treat me in ways that I accepted. Because for some reason, I thought it had to be my fault.
I have wasted so much energy in this lifetime trying to be what others want me to be. I lost my way. I accepted the criticism, I accepted the name calling, I accepted the outright rudeness towards me. I accepted having friendships that were only coming from my side and the other side just used me when they needed me. I accepted giving myself to others and expecting nothing in return. And that is what I got...nothing in return...and when I reached out to find out what I had done wrong (when, in reality..how could it be my fault when no one lets you in)...the barrage of "You are too sensitive, too much drama, too much, too this and that"
I have now been guided by the help of some amazing mentors to take claim who I am back and to not apologize for the attributes that make others uncomfortable.
Yes, I am "super sensitive", I am too much at times, I do come on too strong at times...it is only because I am trying so hard to get that persons approval. I don't need their approval anymore. Yes, I am quite silly, I am a dreamer, I am passionate, I am forgetful, I am all or nothing, YES...I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things, I did (not now) allow people to use me as a door mat and then me apologizing profusely for not being the perfect door mat. I am quirky, I can be a dork, I can be maddening, I dream big, I laugh and talk too loud. I believe in many different things. I dance whenever I feel like it. I cry when I am angry, I cry at commercials....I am a lot of things that people, and MANY close to me have said about me.
I am me....and I am claiming all of those things as mine and make no apologies for being a person who beats to a different drum. If you do not like me, or want to hear me, or look at me. Move. Or "unfriend" me from whatever social network I am on. But, I am not apologizing any longer for being the person God intended me to be.
You know what? I am glad that I am sensitive. Because this world is FULL of insensitivity. People have become puppets, the world is majority analytical and they want me to fit into their world. No longer, I fit in my world and those that love me, like being in my world.
Should you find yourself not liking who I really am. It is your loss. My husband, and children love all of the quacky ways about me. And you know what...I do too. No more apologies.
Do it for yourself too....be who you are meant to be. DON'T chase after people who are not worthy of your time. Did you know that you are worthy? I am. And YOU get to choose who is worthy enough to be called a friend, or who you want to spend your energy on, and you are worthy enough to be EXACTLY who you are with no apologies.
It has taken me my whole life to get it. It took a really hard talk the other night from my mentor. And for the first time, I got what the people who loved me tried to say....be true to yourself.
I claim my strengths and weaknesses and I love all of them. Try doing it for yourself....I suppose that is what freedom is.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Facing the Giants
As I sat and watched FACING THE GIANTS which I have many times before, this time...something really hit me. For those of you who do not know me...I love the underdog. Especially when the cards are stacked against a team, a person. RUDY is my all time favorite movie. Both are football movies. There is something about watching a person running into a brick wall. You can't imagine that brick wall will every come down for that person. But, when you witness the perseverance of that person or team hit that brick wall time and time again and you watch it crumble and they make it to the other side. You my friend have witnessed what it means to Face The Giant.
The part of the movie that hit me and I am not sure why it hit me hard this time. But, it was the part where the captain of the team was already talking about being defeated that Friday night. The coach asked him why he felt that way. The player said "Because they are 10 times bigger than us" **Along those lines*** Anyway, the coach has him do the "death crawl" Coach says "make it to the 20 yard line, no...the 30". The player mumbled and grumbled while he got on all 4's. You use your arms and your legs and they cannot touch the ground. The part is, you carry someone on your back while you are doing it. The kid on his back was about 160 pounds. The coach blindfolded him. He told him that he did not want the player to lose track of his focus by looking at the 30 yard line. So, the player kept going and the coach kept telling him "You can do it!! DON'T GIVE UP!!!" the player is sweating and says he can't go any further. The coach gets on the ground and hits the ground and tells him "You can do it...don't give up, don't give up!! You can do this!!! 30 more yards!!" The player kept telling him how bad it hurt. The coach says "I know it hurts, but, you have it in you...don't give up...give it your best!!" The coach is still on the ground with him and tells him to stop. The boy lies on the ground. Coach says "Look up" The player did.... Coach says "You are in the end zone"
The premise is never giving up no matter how hard something is, or how painful it is, or how your beliefs about yourself make you think you can't make it, and it is about no matter WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR BELIEVES ABOUT YOU....it is about you, not them...reaching deep where you thought there was nothing, and finding out that you can do it and drowning out the trash talk. And the guy on his back is metaphorically all of the luggage you carry around that is so heavy and you feel you cannot make one more step. You can. God never said to give up, even if you have a lot of baggage on your back. Don't give up.
It touched my heart so much, because that is what God and my many coaches have been telling me. They have crawled on the ground with me when I had pain that I never knew existed, or I was terrified to go to sleep because I thought that being as sick as I get, that would be the last day, or when I wanted to give up and just move so that I wouldn't be such a burden on anyone with all of my illness. They kept by my side and hit the ground telling me to not let go...to keep going. Even when I saw no hope that the doctors could heal me, or how much debt we had, or how much I felt I had lost in my life, and how angry I was.
I was blindfolded (metaphorically), so that I would not just stop at a certain point and say "well, I made it to the 30 yard line" NO...I am blindfolded to keep on doing the crawl and never giving up on me, my family and friends, on others, and all the dreams that I have....the success of my new business, and success of my writing and the love that I have for Film and most of all not giving up on God."
I say this to you.....come crawl with me... I will scream to the ends of the earth to tell you that you are good enough, smart enough and YOU CAN MAKE IT TO THE END ZONE, don't stop at the 30 yard line. Take it all the way, not by sight, but by Faith. And to never, ever give up. The obstacle is never too big, and you might think it is over because you are a certain age, personality, size, hair color, certain weight, people chatter in your ear that you can't do it, or you are a loser, or you are this or that, whatever it may be.
You focus, you crawl through that pain, you crawl through that anger, you crawl through that disappointment, don't listen to the ones that say you can't make it. That you are a dreamer and the chances are a trillion to one for success, you drown out that noise. Listen to your coach crawling on the ground with you screaming "Believe it, you can do it, don't give up!!!" You keep crawling and never let those arms or knees hit the ground.... I am crawling with you...but, you know what? I am headed to the End Zone baby, you better keep up!!! Because, I will be doing my victory pose!
The part of the movie that hit me and I am not sure why it hit me hard this time. But, it was the part where the captain of the team was already talking about being defeated that Friday night. The coach asked him why he felt that way. The player said "Because they are 10 times bigger than us" **Along those lines*** Anyway, the coach has him do the "death crawl" Coach says "make it to the 20 yard line, no...the 30". The player mumbled and grumbled while he got on all 4's. You use your arms and your legs and they cannot touch the ground. The part is, you carry someone on your back while you are doing it. The kid on his back was about 160 pounds. The coach blindfolded him. He told him that he did not want the player to lose track of his focus by looking at the 30 yard line. So, the player kept going and the coach kept telling him "You can do it!! DON'T GIVE UP!!!" the player is sweating and says he can't go any further. The coach gets on the ground and hits the ground and tells him "You can do it...don't give up, don't give up!! You can do this!!! 30 more yards!!" The player kept telling him how bad it hurt. The coach says "I know it hurts, but, you have it in you...don't give up...give it your best!!" The coach is still on the ground with him and tells him to stop. The boy lies on the ground. Coach says "Look up" The player did.... Coach says "You are in the end zone"
The premise is never giving up no matter how hard something is, or how painful it is, or how your beliefs about yourself make you think you can't make it, and it is about no matter WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR BELIEVES ABOUT YOU....it is about you, not them...reaching deep where you thought there was nothing, and finding out that you can do it and drowning out the trash talk. And the guy on his back is metaphorically all of the luggage you carry around that is so heavy and you feel you cannot make one more step. You can. God never said to give up, even if you have a lot of baggage on your back. Don't give up.
It touched my heart so much, because that is what God and my many coaches have been telling me. They have crawled on the ground with me when I had pain that I never knew existed, or I was terrified to go to sleep because I thought that being as sick as I get, that would be the last day, or when I wanted to give up and just move so that I wouldn't be such a burden on anyone with all of my illness. They kept by my side and hit the ground telling me to not let go...to keep going. Even when I saw no hope that the doctors could heal me, or how much debt we had, or how much I felt I had lost in my life, and how angry I was.
I was blindfolded (metaphorically), so that I would not just stop at a certain point and say "well, I made it to the 30 yard line" NO...I am blindfolded to keep on doing the crawl and never giving up on me, my family and friends, on others, and all the dreams that I have....the success of my new business, and success of my writing and the love that I have for Film and most of all not giving up on God."
I say this to you.....come crawl with me... I will scream to the ends of the earth to tell you that you are good enough, smart enough and YOU CAN MAKE IT TO THE END ZONE, don't stop at the 30 yard line. Take it all the way, not by sight, but by Faith. And to never, ever give up. The obstacle is never too big, and you might think it is over because you are a certain age, personality, size, hair color, certain weight, people chatter in your ear that you can't do it, or you are a loser, or you are this or that, whatever it may be.
You focus, you crawl through that pain, you crawl through that anger, you crawl through that disappointment, don't listen to the ones that say you can't make it. That you are a dreamer and the chances are a trillion to one for success, you drown out that noise. Listen to your coach crawling on the ground with you screaming "Believe it, you can do it, don't give up!!!" You keep crawling and never let those arms or knees hit the ground.... I am crawling with you...but, you know what? I am headed to the End Zone baby, you better keep up!!! Because, I will be doing my victory pose!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Happy Daddy's Day!!
So much focus is usually on Mother's Day. I get that, I am a Mother of Three. However, I want to talk about my husband. And I want to talk to other men out there too.
Let me say this right here and now....any guy can be a SD (Sperm Donor is what I politely say). Sex Ed 101 taught us that somewhere back in the day. But, the difference is....It takes a MAN to be a Daddy. You are not a daddy because you have the same blood running through your veins as that child. You are not a daddy even if you don't share the same DNA, and you live in the same house. You can call yourself a Father all day long. I want to share with you what the difference is to be a Father vs. a Daddy. You don't need me to explain the SD category. Self explanatory.
Becoming a Father is easy in my eyes. You may or may not watch the woman carry a child in her stomach for 9 months. And for those of you who put that baby there and were never around and left her high and dry. Please don't ever utter the words "Father" or "Daddy". You are a sperm donor. This is not bitterness. This is real life. You do not get that privilege.
You can be a Father by being by their side during labor. You go back to work, and some men are still stuck in the 50's and believe that the woman stays home in bare feet and makes sure the house, the baby, the garden, the everything is done by the time you get home and then look smokin' hot all at the same time. You play with the baby, child or say "wassup" to your teenager (because frankly, you have no idea what else to say) Then after about 15 minutes, it is time for you to rest. You are there when you can for important events, IF the work schedule works for you. When you do not know who your child is but, in today's standards you helped "raise" them by financially by buying their food, clothes, tuition, etc. and your nuclear family lives under the same house. You still have the right to call yourself a Father. No judgements, that is how you either learned your role or chose that role.
Here is when you earn your "Daddy" wings. When your child is not of your exact DNA. However, the blood that beats in your heart, the blood beats for that child. When your child is up until 4 am throwing up everywhere and you hold your hands out for your child to throw up in. When your child has fallen down on the ground and has a nasty "boo boo". You don't even think about asking anyone else. You scoop your child up and fix the boo boo and put a Band-Aid on. You wipe their tears and tell them not to worry that "Daddy" is there.
Being a Daddy means you want to know your child. You want to know everything. You feel their pain, you feel their joy, your heart is full everyday for that child. You would lay down your life for that young baby, child, or teenager. You pray for them, you ask the Lord to watch over them every single day of their life. You help pick out their clothes if they want you too. Some men are color blind (no names mentioned...:) But, they TRIED. Do you see the difference? THEY TRY. As heavy as your schedule was, you would do whatever it took to make that baseball game. Or make sure if you have a girl that when her favorite movie comes out...you take her out. (I know, I hate some of those movies too. ) BUT....the time you invested and the simple act of wanting to spend one on one time with that child will reap tremendous benefits.
Some men say "I am their step-dad" or "Foster Dad" or "Adoptive Dad" or the Dad figure in that childs life. Ok,...there are rules to this. You can only call yourself a fill in the blank-DAD if you follow the DADDY rules. If not, you are a fill in the blank-father if you help provide for that child. If you do none of the above. You sir, are just a man in that childs life. You don't get to escape the rules. You CHOOSE.
I need to say this loud and clear. Just because you and the child share the same DNA....THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A DADDY. You are in one of the two other categories. You CHOOSE to be a DADDY. The same blood running through your veins does not give you that coat of armor. You earn it. I think you heard me on that one.
By being a Daddy...you show respect for the woman who carried that child for you and you chose to be with. If you are divorced...no matter...you can still be a great daddy. I know a ton of them. Do not disrespect the other person involved in the creation of this gift from God. Because when you do, that child is a part of that DNA and it hurts them to the core. (This goes for the moms too..don't talk about your ex in a bad way in front of your child) Do what you need to do...not in front of your child. Show respect. That is a Dad. Teach your son how to respect a woman. Teach your girls about having high standards. They are watching you. If you disrespect someone, the boys will do that to others and the girls will assume that is what is supposed to happen to them. DON'T DO IT. They will carry it all the way to adult hood. Don't make that child carry that burden. Be a Dad. An involved one.
Men, it is time to think about some things. It is incredibly easy to make a baby. Life is about choices. When a child enters this world, they have a destiny. They are not necessarrily destined to be with you. That is how I believe. In my situation with my children, God chose their Daddy. To wear the badge of Daddy is an honor. Something every man on this earth should strive to be.
Some men I know have never had children. Do you know that you can be a positive influence in a childs life, especially when their Father or SD isn't around? Look around for opportunities to mentor these amazing young boys, soon to be men. There are many associations that have mentoring programs. You as a man have the power to affect the course of a childs life. You were not given that power for evil, but, for good. It is an armor, it is the highest armor of steel that you could ever, ever wear. Wear it with dignity.
Many of my friends never knew their father. Some never had a male presence in their home. Some did and it was horrible. I see a lot of divorced parents that the men go out of their way to get to know their former significant other partner. High five to you!! Seriously, because if you are man enough to allow another man to help raise your child...that is awesome. It does not mean you all have to barbeque at each others house every week. But, keeping the peace for the child and there is the word RESPECT again. RESPECT your former partners choice. Being a good Dad is making sure you know what is going on. That child trusts you enough to tell you if something is going wrong. Respect and Trust and are so fragile. It is so hard to get and so very easy to lose.
Father's, and SD (sperm donors)....step up...do the right thing. It is never too late.
To my husband, you have been the most amazing Daddy to our three children. Your heart beats for them every single day. Your eyes light up when they walk in the room. They look at you as their hero. You pay attention to what each one likes. You are sensitive to the fact when one child feels left out. Your destiny was to be a Daddy. My goodness, I have never seen anything quite like it. It is a gift that our children will carry with them for the rest of their lives. Thank you for being my partner in this life to raise our children to love, to respect, to honor, and to grow into amazing women and man. God destined for you to be their Daddy. Thank you for choosing to be more than a father, but, a dad.... a dad who lives for our children. The blood does not have to be directly from you. God put their blood in you when you chose to be their Dad. It runs through the course of your veins. That my sweet husband is what a Daddy is all about.
None of us are perfect. Try...that is all you have to do is try.
Children need to know that they are special in a healthy way. They need love, food, sunshine, fun, and above all....they need you. They don't care about the stuff..(of course they tell you they do!!) Deep down..that is not what will make them into the human beings they are destined to be. Be a Dad....and be damn proud of it!!! Happy Daddy's Day!!!!
Let me say this right here and now....any guy can be a SD (Sperm Donor is what I politely say). Sex Ed 101 taught us that somewhere back in the day. But, the difference is....It takes a MAN to be a Daddy. You are not a daddy because you have the same blood running through your veins as that child. You are not a daddy even if you don't share the same DNA, and you live in the same house. You can call yourself a Father all day long. I want to share with you what the difference is to be a Father vs. a Daddy. You don't need me to explain the SD category. Self explanatory.
Becoming a Father is easy in my eyes. You may or may not watch the woman carry a child in her stomach for 9 months. And for those of you who put that baby there and were never around and left her high and dry. Please don't ever utter the words "Father" or "Daddy". You are a sperm donor. This is not bitterness. This is real life. You do not get that privilege.
You can be a Father by being by their side during labor. You go back to work, and some men are still stuck in the 50's and believe that the woman stays home in bare feet and makes sure the house, the baby, the garden, the everything is done by the time you get home and then look smokin' hot all at the same time. You play with the baby, child or say "wassup" to your teenager (because frankly, you have no idea what else to say) Then after about 15 minutes, it is time for you to rest. You are there when you can for important events, IF the work schedule works for you. When you do not know who your child is but, in today's standards you helped "raise" them by financially by buying their food, clothes, tuition, etc. and your nuclear family lives under the same house. You still have the right to call yourself a Father. No judgements, that is how you either learned your role or chose that role.
Here is when you earn your "Daddy" wings. When your child is not of your exact DNA. However, the blood that beats in your heart, the blood beats for that child. When your child is up until 4 am throwing up everywhere and you hold your hands out for your child to throw up in. When your child has fallen down on the ground and has a nasty "boo boo". You don't even think about asking anyone else. You scoop your child up and fix the boo boo and put a Band-Aid on. You wipe their tears and tell them not to worry that "Daddy" is there.
Being a Daddy means you want to know your child. You want to know everything. You feel their pain, you feel their joy, your heart is full everyday for that child. You would lay down your life for that young baby, child, or teenager. You pray for them, you ask the Lord to watch over them every single day of their life. You help pick out their clothes if they want you too. Some men are color blind (no names mentioned...:) But, they TRIED. Do you see the difference? THEY TRY. As heavy as your schedule was, you would do whatever it took to make that baseball game. Or make sure if you have a girl that when her favorite movie comes out...you take her out. (I know, I hate some of those movies too. ) BUT....the time you invested and the simple act of wanting to spend one on one time with that child will reap tremendous benefits.
Some men say "I am their step-dad" or "Foster Dad" or "Adoptive Dad" or the Dad figure in that childs life. Ok,...there are rules to this. You can only call yourself a fill in the blank-DAD if you follow the DADDY rules. If not, you are a fill in the blank-father if you help provide for that child. If you do none of the above. You sir, are just a man in that childs life. You don't get to escape the rules. You CHOOSE.
I need to say this loud and clear. Just because you and the child share the same DNA....THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A DADDY. You are in one of the two other categories. You CHOOSE to be a DADDY. The same blood running through your veins does not give you that coat of armor. You earn it. I think you heard me on that one.
By being a Daddy...you show respect for the woman who carried that child for you and you chose to be with. If you are divorced...no matter...you can still be a great daddy. I know a ton of them. Do not disrespect the other person involved in the creation of this gift from God. Because when you do, that child is a part of that DNA and it hurts them to the core. (This goes for the moms too..don't talk about your ex in a bad way in front of your child) Do what you need to do...not in front of your child. Show respect. That is a Dad. Teach your son how to respect a woman. Teach your girls about having high standards. They are watching you. If you disrespect someone, the boys will do that to others and the girls will assume that is what is supposed to happen to them. DON'T DO IT. They will carry it all the way to adult hood. Don't make that child carry that burden. Be a Dad. An involved one.
Men, it is time to think about some things. It is incredibly easy to make a baby. Life is about choices. When a child enters this world, they have a destiny. They are not necessarrily destined to be with you. That is how I believe. In my situation with my children, God chose their Daddy. To wear the badge of Daddy is an honor. Something every man on this earth should strive to be.
Some men I know have never had children. Do you know that you can be a positive influence in a childs life, especially when their Father or SD isn't around? Look around for opportunities to mentor these amazing young boys, soon to be men. There are many associations that have mentoring programs. You as a man have the power to affect the course of a childs life. You were not given that power for evil, but, for good. It is an armor, it is the highest armor of steel that you could ever, ever wear. Wear it with dignity.
Many of my friends never knew their father. Some never had a male presence in their home. Some did and it was horrible. I see a lot of divorced parents that the men go out of their way to get to know their former significant other partner. High five to you!! Seriously, because if you are man enough to allow another man to help raise your child...that is awesome. It does not mean you all have to barbeque at each others house every week. But, keeping the peace for the child and there is the word RESPECT again. RESPECT your former partners choice. Being a good Dad is making sure you know what is going on. That child trusts you enough to tell you if something is going wrong. Respect and Trust and are so fragile. It is so hard to get and so very easy to lose.
Father's, and SD (sperm donors)....step up...do the right thing. It is never too late.
To my husband, you have been the most amazing Daddy to our three children. Your heart beats for them every single day. Your eyes light up when they walk in the room. They look at you as their hero. You pay attention to what each one likes. You are sensitive to the fact when one child feels left out. Your destiny was to be a Daddy. My goodness, I have never seen anything quite like it. It is a gift that our children will carry with them for the rest of their lives. Thank you for being my partner in this life to raise our children to love, to respect, to honor, and to grow into amazing women and man. God destined for you to be their Daddy. Thank you for choosing to be more than a father, but, a dad.... a dad who lives for our children. The blood does not have to be directly from you. God put their blood in you when you chose to be their Dad. It runs through the course of your veins. That my sweet husband is what a Daddy is all about.
None of us are perfect. Try...that is all you have to do is try.
Children need to know that they are special in a healthy way. They need love, food, sunshine, fun, and above all....they need you. They don't care about the stuff..(of course they tell you they do!!) Deep down..that is not what will make them into the human beings they are destined to be. Be a Dad....and be damn proud of it!!! Happy Daddy's Day!!!!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Get up and walk in the eye of a Hurricane
After being in the hospital for most of the week and coming home and turning around going back in. I came home last night.
You know what the best thing about coming home besides the obvious of being with my children and husband. Well, it is the small things. The smell of my home, my comfortable bed, my pillows, my shower, my dog who is slobbery and a cat who is the size of real life cheetah. No matter how messy the house is...it is our home. I didn't care if it looked like a hurricane hit it. We are in the process of packing for our move. It is home. And I am loved here.
We are in the eye of the Hurricane right now. But, today, this Sunday morning, no matter how I feel...it is the baby steps. And that is getting up, getting dressed and getting out into the sun. I cannot tell you what will happen in the next second or minute. Who can? But, slowly...I have to find a way to get up from the boxing ring that I have lived in now for so long and grab on to the side of the ropes and put my gloves back on. Regardless of how bloody or how painful it is...
You always have to get up...no matter what and put your boxing gloves on. You might be weak. But, the weak become mighty. I will be mighty again.
Life has to go on.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Continuation of this week in the hospital and ER
Here in lies why I am so bitter and jaded against the medical world. For the clear exception of a few of my doctors . My Primary Care, OB, and Gastro have been my strongest advocates. However, what I have going on is way beyond what they can do.
I might have mentioned that when I was at the Cleveland Clinic. There was a Gastro there that hooked on the fact that he wanted me to do this test. He said it is very rare. But, he had to check it out. Because he said that on a wing and a prayer...it matched so much of what I have. I, of course was thinking "whatever" in my head. Yet, another test.
This test is Porphyria. It is so complicated that I don't remotely understand. They are looking for acute porphria. And of course, only a handful in the ENTIRE country know how to deal with this disease. Only two labs in the country handle the testing. Having this disease is sooooo rare. But, I have always been told that I never fall into the "clinical text book." And guess what? My tests came back this week while in the hospital. But, they were from CC because it takes a long to get back. These were from the Cleveland Clinic. Many of the tests came back abnormal. Here I am again, rare. The doctor in Cleveland called my husband and said that the leading expert in this rare disease wants to take up my case. I am not sure where that doctor is in the world. But, he said it is very compelling that I have it. And there is a cure.
Well, being at the Univ. Hospital this week...they read the results and said " it is so rare, that we don't know what these results say from CC." They decided to ignore Cleveland Clinics findings and wanted to do their own. They discounted CC's test. And said they doubted seriously that I had something so rare. I just shook my head...
My advocate doctor always told me..." Going to different institutions....doctors don't like that and it is a pissing match" Instead of working together....it is quite the opposite. It is all about making sure they proved the other institution wrong. This is not made up. I have been in the hospital long enough to know what is/has happened. So, the Univ. Hospital said this week is "you have Chronic Abdominal pain". I shared with them my thoughts on making a diagnosis while only seeing me for a few short minutes and not looking at me as a total person, if you want to call it that.
That is another Oprah show. Really....I was shocked at myself for saying how I felt/thought with conviction and making sure they knew that if something happened to me because of their negligence that I will leave a letter documenting everything and I pray that the institutions who have put me on and off medicines so abruptly that caused me seizure like epidsodes. They forgot to see if the meds that I was on interfered with each other. I actually went into what they "call the name I can't recall storm" But, it makes a person feel like their skin is on fire, rocking, shaking, everything. NEVER, in my life would I wish that on my worst enemy.
Oh....I will talk about the things that have been so wrong in what has been done over the year or more.
So, who do you believe anymore? The CC doctor has factual information, enough for the leading, if not only doctor in the country to want to take me on. Because it is so rare. Then another institution that don't have their facts yet, but, have told me that it can't possibly be that.
They were only focused on one area of my body that has gone grossly wrong. The Head of GI walked in, we talked for 10 minutes and we have never met and he pronounced a diagnosis. "Chronic Abdominal pain" Putting me yet in another box. They did not care about the Immune Disease that came back so high at CC, nor the really off the chart labs for other things, nor possible cancer...nothing. It was like someone tapped me on the head with a wand after pulling a diagnosis out of a hat and declared it whatever he name he gave me. Which those records follow you everywhere.
As the saga continues, now we have the raging kidney infection undercontrol that a local ER took care of, which the Univ. failed to find and never acknowledged my pain. They called oh so non-chalantly to tell me about my kidney infection. A little too late, I am lying in an ER rocking and wanting to pull my hair out. The Univ. Hospital never said they were sorry for never listening or ignoring what I knew about my body. And here we are with yet another diagnosis that will take even more and more tests.
My mind has changed.....I am going to stop obsessing over the pain and the diagnosis(plural) and move on with my life. I don't know how you do that with extreme pain. But, I know there has to be a way to move on with whatever I have in my body. I have been in complete seclusion the last few days over everything. Too many things to talk about, to deal with.
All I can do is get up and try and put all of this out of my mind and enter the living world..with pain, or diseases or whatever the hell the doctors want to say. If I died tomorrow. I do not want to be remembered for just lying in bed for when it is time for the good Lord to take me.
I need help in getting my fighting spirit back. I pray for it. I pray that you will help me.
I might have mentioned that when I was at the Cleveland Clinic. There was a Gastro there that hooked on the fact that he wanted me to do this test. He said it is very rare. But, he had to check it out. Because he said that on a wing and a prayer...it matched so much of what I have. I, of course was thinking "whatever" in my head. Yet, another test.
This test is Porphyria. It is so complicated that I don't remotely understand. They are looking for acute porphria. And of course, only a handful in the ENTIRE country know how to deal with this disease. Only two labs in the country handle the testing. Having this disease is sooooo rare. But, I have always been told that I never fall into the "clinical text book." And guess what? My tests came back this week while in the hospital. But, they were from CC because it takes a long to get back. These were from the Cleveland Clinic. Many of the tests came back abnormal. Here I am again, rare. The doctor in Cleveland called my husband and said that the leading expert in this rare disease wants to take up my case. I am not sure where that doctor is in the world. But, he said it is very compelling that I have it. And there is a cure.
Well, being at the Univ. Hospital this week...they read the results and said " it is so rare, that we don't know what these results say from CC." They decided to ignore Cleveland Clinics findings and wanted to do their own. They discounted CC's test. And said they doubted seriously that I had something so rare. I just shook my head...
My advocate doctor always told me..." Going to different institutions....doctors don't like that and it is a pissing match" Instead of working together....it is quite the opposite. It is all about making sure they proved the other institution wrong. This is not made up. I have been in the hospital long enough to know what is/has happened. So, the Univ. Hospital said this week is "you have Chronic Abdominal pain". I shared with them my thoughts on making a diagnosis while only seeing me for a few short minutes and not looking at me as a total person, if you want to call it that.
That is another Oprah show. Really....I was shocked at myself for saying how I felt/thought with conviction and making sure they knew that if something happened to me because of their negligence that I will leave a letter documenting everything and I pray that the institutions who have put me on and off medicines so abruptly that caused me seizure like epidsodes. They forgot to see if the meds that I was on interfered with each other. I actually went into what they "call the name I can't recall storm" But, it makes a person feel like their skin is on fire, rocking, shaking, everything. NEVER, in my life would I wish that on my worst enemy.
Oh....I will talk about the things that have been so wrong in what has been done over the year or more.
So, who do you believe anymore? The CC doctor has factual information, enough for the leading, if not only doctor in the country to want to take me on. Because it is so rare. Then another institution that don't have their facts yet, but, have told me that it can't possibly be that.
They were only focused on one area of my body that has gone grossly wrong. The Head of GI walked in, we talked for 10 minutes and we have never met and he pronounced a diagnosis. "Chronic Abdominal pain" Putting me yet in another box. They did not care about the Immune Disease that came back so high at CC, nor the really off the chart labs for other things, nor possible cancer...nothing. It was like someone tapped me on the head with a wand after pulling a diagnosis out of a hat and declared it whatever he name he gave me. Which those records follow you everywhere.
As the saga continues, now we have the raging kidney infection undercontrol that a local ER took care of, which the Univ. failed to find and never acknowledged my pain. They called oh so non-chalantly to tell me about my kidney infection. A little too late, I am lying in an ER rocking and wanting to pull my hair out. The Univ. Hospital never said they were sorry for never listening or ignoring what I knew about my body. And here we are with yet another diagnosis that will take even more and more tests.
My mind has changed.....I am going to stop obsessing over the pain and the diagnosis(plural) and move on with my life. I don't know how you do that with extreme pain. But, I know there has to be a way to move on with whatever I have in my body. I have been in complete seclusion the last few days over everything. Too many things to talk about, to deal with.
All I can do is get up and try and put all of this out of my mind and enter the living world..with pain, or diseases or whatever the hell the doctors want to say. If I died tomorrow. I do not want to be remembered for just lying in bed for when it is time for the good Lord to take me.
I need help in getting my fighting spirit back. I pray for it. I pray that you will help me.
Needing to get my own Doctors degree..
No one gave me the memo that in order to be a patient that you needed to have your own doctorate degree. You are responsible for knowing which medicines interact with the other. You are responsible for knowing so much about medical jargon, the unspoken rules, the way it all works. My memo got lost in the mail somewhere. for If you only knew what I have been through with hospitals, doctors, rules, diagnosis, diagnosis taken back, added on. Medicines thrown out me, taken away instantly leaving me in a state of seizure like episodes. Young fellows coming in my hospital room.... not listening to a word that I am saying. That is because the 5 very young fellows and the attending doctor are all doing different things. One is texting the entire time and his phone was ringing off the hook. He was the same guy who came down in the ER to talk to me about being admitted into the hospital. He yawned the whole time and I could clearly tell he was gone. Body was there...but, gone. Then, one is picking his nails, one is writing notes, The attendee's eyes are glassed over from lack of sleep. And he sticks the youngest fellow in front of me and tells me how long it will be before I MIGHT be able to play with my children again. She said it would be hopefully in 2 years. I almost threw up.
I asked why my kidneys were on fire. They said that everything looked clear. The day that I left the hospital, I was bent in half from pain....crying.... no, let me correct that. I was screaming from the pain and the feeling that my skin was coming off of me, fireworks in my head, rocking back and forth. The doctor comes in and tells me that is how my life is going to be for a long time until we can slowly do "bio feedback" on my bladder and colon. I must have looked at him like an exorcist. The nurses were very upset too that they did not give me any pain medicine. Because one told me that she never saw anyone in so much pain and not have any relief.
The doctors felt that any medicine of any sort would interfere with my bowels. I said I understood, but, that my kidneys and my bladder were on fire and I need help. Again, they said everything looked fine.
I was sent home writhing in pain and rocking back and forth. Begging my husband not to leave my side. Because when you are in that kind of pain...you think you might legitimatly die. Because that is exactly how I felt at that moment. I made it home and that night as I was thrashing about and having what they call "tics" where you have no control over your facial muscles or hands or arms. My husband held me tight to help me but, I couldn't stop this seizure like episode. I never went to sleep. Maybe for an hour.
The next morning (this past Saturday), I was even worse shape. I did not know that was possible. I literally was on the floor rocking back and forth in a fetal position. I started throwing up bile and blood. My husband was gone and when he called, he got my parents to take me back to the ER. One that is close by.
They said I had a RAGING kidney infection, they treated me with kindess. They listened to me and helped me. It was a small local ER. Because the pain that I was in. Yet, these large insitutions (for the exception of Cleveland Clinic) come in with 10-15 people in any given day and all come through with their scripted words. Their words where of no warmth. No one listened. How could they pass a raging kidney infection? Funny thing is....while I was in the ER the Hospital called and said "oh yea, you have a kidney infection". They could have found that out in the hospital and saved me 4 days of complete hell. I am a number in the big instution. I have much anger and bitterness that I know I have to work through. I am working with someone on that.
I have much to talk about this last week. Will write more later.
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