I have had a hard time being able to find my own voice on this subject. And now, thanks to a few mentors in my life and help...I am learning to accept me for who I am.
Growing up, and even until recently I always apologized for who I am. I said I am sorry for everything, even when it was the another who hurt me or something that could not possibly be my fault. I have allowed people to treat me in ways that I accepted. Because for some reason, I thought it had to be my fault.
I have wasted so much energy in this lifetime trying to be what others want me to be. I lost my way. I accepted the criticism, I accepted the name calling, I accepted the outright rudeness towards me. I accepted having friendships that were only coming from my side and the other side just used me when they needed me. I accepted giving myself to others and expecting nothing in return. And that is what I got...nothing in return...and when I reached out to find out what I had done wrong (when, in reality..how could it be my fault when no one lets you in)...the barrage of "You are too sensitive, too much drama, too much, too this and that"
I have now been guided by the help of some amazing mentors to take claim who I am back and to not apologize for the attributes that make others uncomfortable.
Yes, I am "super sensitive", I am too much at times, I do come on too strong at times...it is only because I am trying so hard to get that persons approval. I don't need their approval anymore. Yes, I am quite silly, I am a dreamer, I am passionate, I am forgetful, I am all or nothing, YES...I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things, I did (not now) allow people to use me as a door mat and then me apologizing profusely for not being the perfect door mat. I am quirky, I can be a dork, I can be maddening, I dream big, I laugh and talk too loud. I believe in many different things. I dance whenever I feel like it. I cry when I am angry, I cry at commercials....I am a lot of things that people, and MANY close to me have said about me.
I am me....and I am claiming all of those things as mine and make no apologies for being a person who beats to a different drum. If you do not like me, or want to hear me, or look at me. Move. Or "unfriend" me from whatever social network I am on. But, I am not apologizing any longer for being the person God intended me to be.
You know what? I am glad that I am sensitive. Because this world is FULL of insensitivity. People have become puppets, the world is majority analytical and they want me to fit into their world. No longer, I fit in my world and those that love me, like being in my world.
Should you find yourself not liking who I really am. It is your loss. My husband, and children love all of the quacky ways about me. And you know what...I do too. No more apologies.
Do it for yourself too....be who you are meant to be. DON'T chase after people who are not worthy of your time. Did you know that you are worthy? I am. And YOU get to choose who is worthy enough to be called a friend, or who you want to spend your energy on, and you are worthy enough to be EXACTLY who you are with no apologies.
It has taken me my whole life to get it. It took a really hard talk the other night from my mentor. And for the first time, I got what the people who loved me tried to say....be true to yourself.
I claim my strengths and weaknesses and I love all of them. Try doing it for yourself....I suppose that is what freedom is.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Facing the Giants
As I sat and watched FACING THE GIANTS which I have many times before, this time...something really hit me. For those of you who do not know me...I love the underdog. Especially when the cards are stacked against a team, a person. RUDY is my all time favorite movie. Both are football movies. There is something about watching a person running into a brick wall. You can't imagine that brick wall will every come down for that person. But, when you witness the perseverance of that person or team hit that brick wall time and time again and you watch it crumble and they make it to the other side. You my friend have witnessed what it means to Face The Giant.
The part of the movie that hit me and I am not sure why it hit me hard this time. But, it was the part where the captain of the team was already talking about being defeated that Friday night. The coach asked him why he felt that way. The player said "Because they are 10 times bigger than us" **Along those lines*** Anyway, the coach has him do the "death crawl" Coach says "make it to the 20 yard line, no...the 30". The player mumbled and grumbled while he got on all 4's. You use your arms and your legs and they cannot touch the ground. The part is, you carry someone on your back while you are doing it. The kid on his back was about 160 pounds. The coach blindfolded him. He told him that he did not want the player to lose track of his focus by looking at the 30 yard line. So, the player kept going and the coach kept telling him "You can do it!! DON'T GIVE UP!!!" the player is sweating and says he can't go any further. The coach gets on the ground and hits the ground and tells him "You can do it...don't give up, don't give up!! You can do this!!! 30 more yards!!" The player kept telling him how bad it hurt. The coach says "I know it hurts, but, you have it in you...don't give up...give it your best!!" The coach is still on the ground with him and tells him to stop. The boy lies on the ground. Coach says "Look up" The player did.... Coach says "You are in the end zone"
The premise is never giving up no matter how hard something is, or how painful it is, or how your beliefs about yourself make you think you can't make it, and it is about no matter WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR BELIEVES ABOUT YOU....it is about you, not them...reaching deep where you thought there was nothing, and finding out that you can do it and drowning out the trash talk. And the guy on his back is metaphorically all of the luggage you carry around that is so heavy and you feel you cannot make one more step. You can. God never said to give up, even if you have a lot of baggage on your back. Don't give up.
It touched my heart so much, because that is what God and my many coaches have been telling me. They have crawled on the ground with me when I had pain that I never knew existed, or I was terrified to go to sleep because I thought that being as sick as I get, that would be the last day, or when I wanted to give up and just move so that I wouldn't be such a burden on anyone with all of my illness. They kept by my side and hit the ground telling me to not let go...to keep going. Even when I saw no hope that the doctors could heal me, or how much debt we had, or how much I felt I had lost in my life, and how angry I was.
I was blindfolded (metaphorically), so that I would not just stop at a certain point and say "well, I made it to the 30 yard line" NO...I am blindfolded to keep on doing the crawl and never giving up on me, my family and friends, on others, and all the dreams that I have....the success of my new business, and success of my writing and the love that I have for Film and most of all not giving up on God."
I say this to you.....come crawl with me... I will scream to the ends of the earth to tell you that you are good enough, smart enough and YOU CAN MAKE IT TO THE END ZONE, don't stop at the 30 yard line. Take it all the way, not by sight, but by Faith. And to never, ever give up. The obstacle is never too big, and you might think it is over because you are a certain age, personality, size, hair color, certain weight, people chatter in your ear that you can't do it, or you are a loser, or you are this or that, whatever it may be.
You focus, you crawl through that pain, you crawl through that anger, you crawl through that disappointment, don't listen to the ones that say you can't make it. That you are a dreamer and the chances are a trillion to one for success, you drown out that noise. Listen to your coach crawling on the ground with you screaming "Believe it, you can do it, don't give up!!!" You keep crawling and never let those arms or knees hit the ground.... I am crawling with you...but, you know what? I am headed to the End Zone baby, you better keep up!!! Because, I will be doing my victory pose!
The part of the movie that hit me and I am not sure why it hit me hard this time. But, it was the part where the captain of the team was already talking about being defeated that Friday night. The coach asked him why he felt that way. The player said "Because they are 10 times bigger than us" **Along those lines*** Anyway, the coach has him do the "death crawl" Coach says "make it to the 20 yard line, no...the 30". The player mumbled and grumbled while he got on all 4's. You use your arms and your legs and they cannot touch the ground. The part is, you carry someone on your back while you are doing it. The kid on his back was about 160 pounds. The coach blindfolded him. He told him that he did not want the player to lose track of his focus by looking at the 30 yard line. So, the player kept going and the coach kept telling him "You can do it!! DON'T GIVE UP!!!" the player is sweating and says he can't go any further. The coach gets on the ground and hits the ground and tells him "You can do it...don't give up, don't give up!! You can do this!!! 30 more yards!!" The player kept telling him how bad it hurt. The coach says "I know it hurts, but, you have it in you...don't give up...give it your best!!" The coach is still on the ground with him and tells him to stop. The boy lies on the ground. Coach says "Look up" The player did.... Coach says "You are in the end zone"
The premise is never giving up no matter how hard something is, or how painful it is, or how your beliefs about yourself make you think you can't make it, and it is about no matter WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR BELIEVES ABOUT YOU....it is about you, not them...reaching deep where you thought there was nothing, and finding out that you can do it and drowning out the trash talk. And the guy on his back is metaphorically all of the luggage you carry around that is so heavy and you feel you cannot make one more step. You can. God never said to give up, even if you have a lot of baggage on your back. Don't give up.
It touched my heart so much, because that is what God and my many coaches have been telling me. They have crawled on the ground with me when I had pain that I never knew existed, or I was terrified to go to sleep because I thought that being as sick as I get, that would be the last day, or when I wanted to give up and just move so that I wouldn't be such a burden on anyone with all of my illness. They kept by my side and hit the ground telling me to not let go...to keep going. Even when I saw no hope that the doctors could heal me, or how much debt we had, or how much I felt I had lost in my life, and how angry I was.
I was blindfolded (metaphorically), so that I would not just stop at a certain point and say "well, I made it to the 30 yard line" NO...I am blindfolded to keep on doing the crawl and never giving up on me, my family and friends, on others, and all the dreams that I have....the success of my new business, and success of my writing and the love that I have for Film and most of all not giving up on God."
I say this to you.....come crawl with me... I will scream to the ends of the earth to tell you that you are good enough, smart enough and YOU CAN MAKE IT TO THE END ZONE, don't stop at the 30 yard line. Take it all the way, not by sight, but by Faith. And to never, ever give up. The obstacle is never too big, and you might think it is over because you are a certain age, personality, size, hair color, certain weight, people chatter in your ear that you can't do it, or you are a loser, or you are this or that, whatever it may be.
You focus, you crawl through that pain, you crawl through that anger, you crawl through that disappointment, don't listen to the ones that say you can't make it. That you are a dreamer and the chances are a trillion to one for success, you drown out that noise. Listen to your coach crawling on the ground with you screaming "Believe it, you can do it, don't give up!!!" You keep crawling and never let those arms or knees hit the ground.... I am crawling with you...but, you know what? I am headed to the End Zone baby, you better keep up!!! Because, I will be doing my victory pose!
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