Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Note to God

I listened to this amazing young prodigy sing this song with accompaniment by David Foster.
Wow...the words to this song absolutely capture my heart song .

If we could all work towards peace and picking each other up when we are down. What a wonderful world this would be...

Note To God

If I wrote a note to God
I would speak whats in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away,
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
For peace to mend this world

I'd say, I'd say, I'd say........

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on

If I wrote a note to God
I would say what on my mind
I'd ask for wisdom to let compassion rule this world
Until these times
If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find our way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts

And I'd say, I'd say, I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on

No, no no no
We can't do this on our own

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is goin wrong
On this road we're on

If I wrote a note to God..................

Saturday, May 16, 2009


I share with you some of the most inspirational videos that have affected my life. It reminds me to keep on going, to never give up on my dreams. To believe even when all the odds are against me...these are some of the videos that help keep me going. I am a big fan for the Underdog. The one that everyone said it could not be done. And they showed the world that they indeed could. I am that Underdog. I will fall, but, I have and will get back up and will keep on going even if I have to crawl across the finish line. My day will come. It may not be what I planned...but, I have a good feeling that the Master Artist knows where my talents lie and He will show me the way. That is not cockiness, that is Faith and Perseverance. The days may add onto my life. But, I will never give up on my dreams until the final whistle has been blown.

I believe that we cannot make it across the finish line without help. This is so proper for this moment in my life. Because, it is all of you, family, friends, everyone that is helping me cross that finish line.

When you feel your confidence is gone and everyone told you that you couldn't do it. Just.....


When you have been told that you had a curse on you for 86 years and everyone else believed. They believed it would someday happen.

(You don't have to love sports to understand what that day meant. Sweet Caroline is their theme song for my across the pond friends. It was not sung for me :(

When you cannot walk on your own, no matter how daunting or incomprehensible your dream may be..... you will be picked up to cross the finish line.

Sometimes, it may take awhile. But, you will be rewarded for your work. It is your time to break through the


When you have been told that "chasing your stupid dreams causes everyone around you heartache" Focus on the prize and prove them wrong. That is what people told me growing up about my acting and writing passion. I am still working on proving them wrong. :)

This speech has just as much meaning to our life as it is to football.

When you were a little girl who grew up in painful times. She kept on believing. She never gave up.

And Remember to NEVER, EVER GIVE UP no matter what obstacles are before you..

Let us all help each other remember that it is never, ever too late to give up on our dreams...no matter how hard the storm is surrounding you. It takes a village to help you to your dreams. Allow the village to help.

Let others help you across the finish line. When you believe, great things will happen.

When I woke up today...this is what I found..

My BFAM (brother from another Mother) It is a term that I use when I am friends with someone that means a lot to me. My real brother...bro....no worries. Nobody is taking your status as my Brother, best friend, and one of the best people that I know. Alright..so, put your gloves down :)

I woke up today and was so confused. I almost tripped myself getting out of bed. No one was around. I was thinking it was Sunday and I had no idea how I missed so much time. Well, maybe pure exhaustion. But, even then!! My heart was pounding because I had no idea where my children were nor my husband. A brief thought came through my head "they are sick of me...they ran off". Then, my husband comes in with my favorite coffee and tells me he loves me. My son jumped on me to tells me that I was the best Mommy in the world. Blake told me that it was Saturday and the girls were at my parents. At first, I thought I was going to cry because I thought "OMG" I have a tumor in my brain!!! But, then laughed my head off after he told me that he thought it was a work day. SO....we are all good!!! It was my normal blonde moment. No tumor :)

What I was trying to tell you (I am an ADHD writer) is that my friend Johnny (BFAM) sent this to me today and it filled me with hope. Hope is something I had begun to lack in this journey. This was the best medicine for me.....So, I share it with you.

Have an awesome day....you can still have awesome days in the Storm. Believe me. When you think you are never ever going to laugh again or smile again or have happy tears....it happens when you least expect it...

Friday, May 15, 2009

A Funny Moment in my Medical Journey

On one of my many hospital stays...I had come in by ambulance and they immediately put me in a room. I was dying from pain. I thought that my insides would explode. I had a migraine, and I wanted to throw up from it all. So, the nurses told the EMT's what room to put me in. I begged and pleaded as much as I could for them not to put me in with a roommate. They said that was all they had. I was in too much pain to care.

I am in a fetal position, by myself...because Blake had to be home with the kids. I needed him to be there for them. I had a pillow over my head to cover my eyes from the light. The next thing you know...a lot of commotion was happening in my room. My brain was screaming..."FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY..SHUT UP!!" But, I didn't let that come out of my mouth. I turned over from the wall to face my new roomie. And here is what happened next...

JOHNNY (a big guy next to a little old lady and there was another big guy too), The little old lady started yelling "look a yonder...if my eyes do not deceive me..there she is" These three people are looking at me. I am irritable, sick, excruciating pain and my window of niceness is closing in quickly. And the octave got louder in the room

"Hey...Hey....HEY YOU!! (little ole lady) Honey, I have missed you sugah.....don't you remember us working in the factory together?" The two big men next to her were her sons as I was later to find out. Johnny (big son) says "Mama,she did not work at the factory with you, you do not know her" She had these little frail arms and yanked back the curtain between the two of us and hit her son in the stomach. " Don't you tell me boy that I am wrong. I know her..she WORKED AT THE FACTORY with me!!!" I just smiled. Again...my inside voice was saying in my head "WHERE ARE MY SHOES?...where is anything to stop the noise. Because if she doesn't stop screaming at the top of her lungs how she knows me, i will start throwing my shoes, foaming at the mouth...whatever I have to do to scare everyone away and leave me in peace.

Instead, I politely said " No ma'am....I did not have the honor of working with you". Then, she said "well, you sure as hell look and act like her" And her big sons were standing beside her bed where she couldn't see them, but, I could. They were motioning all over the place to stop talking, in some kind of sign language telling me she was a little senile. Really? I hadn't noticed. And they wanted me to play along. HELLOOOO? The hospital is not a fun place. Ok? But, they both looked like Johnny the Green Giant. So, I kept my mouth shut and smiled (and boy was it killing me to smile)

She pops the other son in the stomach with her frail arm and says " Get over there and get a picture of you two together". Then he wanted to take picture of me to send to my husband. And finally after me jamming the nurses button a hundred times, they took me to get some CT scan done. And by the time I got back she was asleep. THANK GOODNESS. For the rest of her stay there, I acted like I was sleeping. Because if I moved my leg the slightest...that gave her an invitation to talk. "Sugah honey...are you awake? Do you hurt?" She asked one of the nurses.. 'Please check on her, she hasn't talked in days or moved. Is she alive?"

Oh, I was alive alright dealing with pancreatitis and if anyone has ever had that you will know what I mean by this. It feels as if the nail gun that you use to build your house is being shot through your chest out your back at a rapid speed. There are not enough drugs in the world to make that better. It has to go away on its on. And it may seem like I was rude. But, if she said another word to me...I would have been that girl in that movie that turned her head all the way out with vomit spewing . It was best for everyone that I pretended to sleep.

Soon, she left waving bye to me the whole time telling me she loves me and can't wait to see me at the factory. I smiled and waved and hastingly turned myself back over. And not even 15 minutes later, I had a new roomate. Her name was Mabel. I said hi....and I pretended to sleep for the rest of the duration of my hospital stay :)

The Bad News

This is the post that is not so fun. So, if you are the type that doesn't want to hear anything negative...I would not read this post if I were you. :)

A lot of people ask what is wrong with me physically, that it is hard to understand. Imagine if it was hard for others to grasp....it is tremendously hard for me to grasp.

In a complete nutshell...I have an autoimmune disease that is affecting me neurologically (fainting, seizure like activity, hard to walk sometimes) which in turn affects the other parts of the organs. I can break it all down into medical terms someday. But, for right now...that is about as much I want to get into it, because it is so extensive.

My organs have begun to give me a very rough time. Numerous infections...lets see...I just had another staph/MRSA infection where the hospital pricked my finger to test my blood sugar. I left the hospital and there went my finger. That makes the third or fourth Staph infection from a hospital. I get sick often because of my immune system.

We have been going back and forth to Cleveland Clinic, who is supposed to work with UNC. Because that will make the 4th or 5th doctor to tell me that my colon (hopefully partial) will come out. Why? Well, my colon is not clinically "obstructed" But, because the muscles are so damaged that anything trying to come down stops. Because those muscles in there cannot move. So, this has been causing my body to become toxic.

Right now, I deal with daily pain. I have a hard time breathing because out of nowhere my stomach gets as huge as a basketball or larger. This presses against my diaphram, which pushes bile back up my throat. Now, my esophagus is burnt, so is the upper roof of my mouth and my tongue. I can't eat much other than yogurt or a cold popcicle, because of where the part of the colon is causing the traffic jam...the bile goes back up rather than down.

This is so horrible to me to watch my family go through what they are going through. As I mentioned, my husband has an amazing company with the best insurance. One of the hardest things we are going through is that we are drowning in Medical Debt, and we are talking a what a cost of a new BMW would cost. That is ridiculous to me since we have awesome insurance, and we live in the US. What about these people who do not have help? Like my parents. There final days are in ruin over medical expenses. I would give any thing, anything to take that burden off of their shoulders. Because dammit, that is not how we are supposed to go out in this life....in debt passed our ears because of medical bills.

We are moving, as much as I am excited about it. It is out of necessity however. The owners of the house we are renting are going into foreclosure. I pray we get moved out before the yellow sticker gets put back on. We have no idea where the money will come from to get out of here. But, as I told Blake (husband) when we were getting ready to take the contract over "Someway, somehow, this will happen if it is God's will") As silly as it sounds, we prayed over the contract and I let all the worry go. Because somehow as bad as it feels to let go...I knew that God had taken care of us before....he wasn't going to drop us now. I need help in the being scared department. By the way, the contract we prayed over is the house that we got. :)

Sometimes, we laugh...because one more thing happens...like the car dying the other day. If we didn't laugh, we would be heaped on the floor in a mess.

I really shouldn't be on my own, because my blood sugars go into the 30's and technically that is coma time. But, I need to be in my house, with my stuff. So, my amazing husband brings me a insulated bag with my days worth of food and drink and all I have to do is go to the bathroom, right? Right. Well, I am a type A "I can do this all by myself". So, I got up to take my chicken noodle soup back down. I fell down the entire flight of stairs because my legs just went out from under me. Good lord, I am so clumsy. The soup went flying, the bowl went flying...I hit my head and every other body part and I still hadn't made it to the bottom of the stairs yet. I tried to stand and slipped over the chicken noodle soup hitting my head again and my tush bones and lied there in the soup saying extremely foul things that would make a sailor quiver. Not my finest moment. I got up grumpling the whole time at the soup. Like the soup caused this.

Most days, I am not afraid. Because I know that it will work out. But, it is fear how our whole family is going to come out of this. Many days, I am not sure that I am going to make it out of this alive. I get so sick sometimes that I wonder if this is my day. And then, I think of my husband and my children and it gives me reason to fight. I have always been and always will be a fighter. I just hate to see them go through this. I want Blake to have a break from the illness. Working full time, taking care of the kids, and taking care of me, and then working until late hours... I pray every night for him. That he will have the strength at home and at work. In this economy, I worry myself sick that he will lose his job. I can't even go there or I will lose my mind.

Today is a hard day for me. I am having a hard time lifting my head up, I am so sick to my stomach that all I can do is get sick and this part is graphic....throw up blood.. And yet, when I call all of the doctors that i have...they are like "It is probably irritation"

One day, I will be in Medical Therapy. I am applying for the show "Medical mysteries" :)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Good News or The Bad News

People tend to want to say "Would you like to hear the good news first or the bad news?" NO...I do not want to hear the bad news. Does anyone? But, that is of course living in the land of denial.

I always like to hear the good news. Sometimes, I close my ears off to the bad stuff. Like a little kid putting their hands over their ears going "Lalalalalalla I can't hear you)!!

So, here is the good news going on with me in my ongoing medical/life journey.

We found a new home. One that is perfect for us. We are thrilled beyond words. We are renting a home, and due to the economy, our landlords have or are going into foreclosure. Anyway, back to the good news. It is half of what our house is now. And you know what? I am THRILLED!!!! We have friends, neighbors all helping us to downsize our home drastically. I can't wait, because it is like a new beginning. I want all the "stuff" gone and the bare essentials that bring calm to our new house. I want the chaos out and having a non-cluttered home. I want to move in with the bare essentials as much as possible. Trust me when I say chaos, especially when there is no haven to come home to...it does not help the healing process.

I was able to see our 8 year old (she will remind you that you are wrong...that she will be 9 in a couple of weeks) But, she has been in a program for two semesters now called Live On Stage at the NC Theatre. I was there for her performance and my heart just jumped out. She is such a natural. She is in her element. We never push our children to do something they don't want. But, when we see a natural talent...I believe we as parents, mentors, teachers, etc. need to help bring out their natural talents.

I had a neighbor who I consider a friend come over this morning and within 45 minutes she was able to clear things out of the garage that we couldn't do in 6 months . I AM BLESSED!

We have people that don't even know us and others that we went to college with back in the day coming to our aid. Just because of Facebook, people had offered to help so much there too. Especially, one friend from college who went over and beyond what her and her husband should have ever done. But, we are SOOOOOO grateful for them getting me back to Cleveland Clinic.

We have friends who want to do an online fundraiser for us. Which is amazing! Food, prayers, just an email has been huge to us.

I am learning so much during what I call this Hurricane. I realize now what is important. Keeping the positive people, healthy around me. Now, I recognize there are times when there are times you cannot cut out certain people. But, to the best of my abilities...I am trying so hard to keep the stress down. Thus looking at the new house was a god-send and this time getting help. We usually don't ask....but, we are asking the whole world to help us now.

The biggest thing ever is how much I have learned is that I could not live without God..I just recently became a Christian again.

And it has changed my husband and I. We feel like if can make it through this storm, we can make it through anything. It has made us stronger people. And our children, when I see their faces...and they run towards me.....it is the best moments in the world. Because, in their eyes, I am still there Mommy. They love me unconditionally. They do not care about the worldly things. They just want me. Even when they act like they don't :)

I have met amazing people in the hospitals, and all the appointments. To hear their stories, inspire me beyond belief.

I am truly blessed.