Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Latest Medical Update...

I am working hard on blocking out what is going on with me. Everyday that I wake up..I thank God for how many blessings He has given me. I try and block out the pain, Terrible habit I picked up a long time ago. I have learned to come out of my body (metaphorically speaking of course) and it is as if I am watching someone else's life. I try to use to think of everything to keep from thinking of the pain.

Where we are right now is a Thyroid Immune Disease. However, what no one can help me with is my hyperthyroid in normal ranges and I have not been thrown into hypothyroid (which happens after going into remission of Graves Disease which is what caused the hyperthyroid.) ? Basically my immune system is attacking the thyroid.

I go back to Cleveland Clinic next month and I will go to hematology/oncology and find out what is attacking the good cells. My immune system is terrible despite all of the vitamins. It has been confirmed that I have an absorption problem. I can't really absorb anything, and the other is all of the vitamins that I am deficient in which causes a whole host of nasty stuff.

The other is that my bladder and colon completely stopped about 8 months ago. That is the part that NO ONE can figure out. So, now...I mainly have to have a catheter in to go #1 (I am a Mom ok? those are the words use) or if it is not indwelling, then I have to do it myself. Because anything left in the bladder causes infections. That is exactly what has happened....I have not stopped having kidney infections or UTI's for months now. Which means tons and tons of antibiotics. Which I hate. Because now, I am resistant to most everything. I have had two MRSA ( infections at the injection site of where my IV was. The next day, my arms were swollen, lesions and on fire!!! Ran a real high fever. Was on multitudes of Antibiotics. Most recently, one of my UTI/Kidney infections turned out to be MRSA. That is really bad stuff. It can take you down in a flash!!

There are many parts of my body that are not functioning correctly. Cleveland Clinic is honing in on where some of them are. Right now, it is my bladder. Since I have something called Urinary Retention and somehow my body does not give out signals when it is time to go....So I hold an ungodly amount thus rendering me to the world of self catheters or indwelling catheters. Lets suffice it to say....IT HURTS!!!! What is happening is that my stomach grows to ginormous portions and pushes my diaphragm and whatever else up into my rib cage. Makes it very hard to breathe. The urinary retention pushes urine up into my kidneys, causing serious infections.

I was taken in an ambulance on Thursday because when I went to my doctors appt...I was shaking from the pain so bad. Not only that...when I got there, I was bleeding profusely. Mind you....most of my insides have been taken out. I still have your basic liver, heart, lungs and spleen :) I was supposed to be admitted. But, I had to go through ER first. I HATE the ER with a passion. And as sick as I boiled down to the fact that when I took a Urine Test at the ER....I only had 4 red blood cells, He said there was no reason for me to be in that kind of pain with that. HELLO? I just lost half of my body in blood...and there is no reason to keep me? He sent me home with another indwelling catheter and this time, I have to lie flat on my back all the time for about 5 days so that my bladder and kidneys could calm down. I cried so hard in the ER....because I felt like this is a hopeless situation.

Well, I took a shower this morning thinking that it won't be that bad. Wrong answer...tons of blood. And massive amounts of blood this afternoon. I have no idea what is going on there. Neither can the guys who went to college for becoming a doctor and they are supposed to know more than me. Cleveland Clinic had a lot of tests for me to take, and more down here. I am getting everything set up for Home Health to come in after I have a PICC line. She will show me how to clean the port and give myself the IV. I pray that the insurance will pay for that. That is one of many prayers.

Keeping my mind off of everything is my new job working from home (NuCerity), and writing. I will say that the best things for me to keep my mind off all of this is funny things....jokes, funny videos, funny or encouraging movies. Or talking about YOUR life...not mine...I cannot tell you the countless times people have said " problems are nothing like yours", or " you have too much on your plate to talk about me", or "I figured since you hadn't been in touch with me that you didn't want to talk to me"

Let me say, I desperately want to hear how you are doing...and everyone's problems are equally hard no matter what your circumstances. There is no rule book/judging/scores on who has it worse. So, please don't stop talking about what is going on in your life. I genuinely want to hear. I may not always able to talk, or write right away...but, don't give up on me. I am trying...trying really hard to beat this battle and sometimes I make mistakes by not responding sooner. Thank you for all of your love and thoughts and prayers.

Sending blessings your way!

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

I used to believe that to forgive someone who had really hurt me , or had done unspeakable things...was letting them off of the hook. I always said I forgave this or that person. But, the rage was still inside. I would go so far as to allow people back into my life just to prove to myself and others that I could forgive.

Something wasn't right about it. My heart rate would go up and my throat would close up and horrible anxiety would set in. Why was that happening to me? I mean, I prided myself on how I could handle it all. My closest friends would say "How do you do it? You must be so strong".

No, I wasn't strong. I was betraying myself by telling myself that I had forgiven. When just beneath the surface when scratched, a million feelings would emerge. I learned that it was a process. Learned that letting go was a part of the forgiveness. And I learned to cut that wound out of my life. Many times, I would write down the hurt and put it in a bottle and when I was at the beach, I would send it out to sea. Letting go is the biggest part of forgiveness.

It has taken me a REALLY long time to set a certain prisoner free. That is me. My whole life, I have blamed anything wrong that would happen on myself. If I fell short of expectations, I couldn't forgive myself. I was scared to make people mad, or sad, or anything. Somehow, I took that as me failing and I could not forgive myself for that. It has happened even recently with people that I thought were friends. They cut me out, and I blamed myself. I would not forgive myself for anything at all. It is something that I work on to this day. Like being sick....I can't forgive my body for not doing what I want it to do. It continues to betray me. I believe that the poison of not forgiving goes through my veins and has attributed to making me sicker.

Most recently, I learned of one of my dearest friends father passing. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She told me it happened many months ago and the reason that she didn't tell me was because I had too much going on and she didn't want to bother me. I was sick for days over this. I beat myself up so much for not being there. For being consumed in my world. Becoming blind. I could only think "What horrible person would not see her friend hurting?" The same goes for my family and extended. I always feel that I am never there for them and they are all going through rough times. I keep making the same mistake over and over again with loved ones, and friends. Not seeing what is going in others life. What horrible person could I be if I was so consumed that I did not know about her fathers passing? Or being there for my friends and family in there time of need.

It is a bitter pill.

However, the beautiful thing about forgiving is you stop poisoning yourself. Remember, forgiving is not to make the other person feel better. It is for you to release and to let go. And shut that door and protect yourself.

As for me forgiving is work in progress. I realize that no one is perfect. And no one can make you feel like you are worthless. Only you can do that. But, I find that each day that passes..the prisoner in me is slowly but surely being released. It has left me raw and unprotected, because I have never known a life where I didn't beat myself up.

Letting go is so freeing and I am lighter each day I am grateful for every single event that has happened in my life. Every one. Believe it or not, I am thankful for the illness these past 2 years. It has forced me to chisel away at the rock of pure poison that I was holding on to. I am finally seeing that sparkling diamond that is inside.