Sunday, February 22, 2009

Why the Oscar's are so HUGE for me...

Today is a huge day for me. Not many, if any, could truly understand what today means for me.

Many of you have heard my story over and over when I was six years old. I wrote my Academy Award Speech. It was pretty, barely readable, and I am sure it was in crayon. But, I wrote it. I put on a fancy dress (the actual dress of the day that I wrote my speech is the picture on here) and well, frankly snuck into my Mother's dresser and put on her clip on earrings and put on her makeup..(Quite frankly I looked more like I was in a horror movie after I was done). I went back to my room and took a chair in there. I stood on it and proceeded to thank everyone for allowing me to accept this award. I laugh now at the notion of it. Because I see the Little me being so serious talking to my baby dolls and stuffed animals and I was all of six years old.

I remember waiting for the paper to come out after the Oscars so that I could cut out the pictures and glued them in my little book that I kept.

Why is the Oscars so important to me? Because my entire life, I thought that is where I belonged. Writing or acting, one day being one of the few female directors, making people laugh, cry, feel...feel anything. I believed/believe that I am meant to tell stories of others that would other wise never be told. We all have a story. I want to write a movie that will make you think. Movies that will rock you to the core, Movies that will make you laugh so hard, Movies that will make you see so much of yourself in the characters, Movies that will take you away from reality and into a world that you have never explored.

The Oscars represent so much to me. I don't care about the Paparazzi, I could care less about the fame (in fact, I would steer away from it) But, it is about the ART. So many people are involved in making a movie. And each role is so important. The writer is the one who comes up with the story, the actor takes the baton and portrays the characters taken from the pages of the writer. Then there is the Director who takes the baton and has to have the eyes, the ears and orchestrates the whole thing. But, then there are hundreds of other people that have to come together to make the magic happen. A lot are behind the scenes, a lot on the side, a lot in front. But, when the magic really happens is when the entire team comes together and is in sync and Art begins to blossom.

The Oscars mean to me the ultimate dream. The ultimate award for the work that helped create a world that many of us will never know and take us away from our everyday lives. It is the ultimate award to give to a person to thank them for helping bring the magic to the screen and for a moment in time, giving the audience a glimpse into another world.

I may be in my 30's now. But, I believe just as much as I did when I was that little girl that one day I will be on that stage. I will never stop believing that. It is not because I am cocky, it is because...I still believe. I still believe that miracles can still come true. Until the last breath leaves my body...I will be striving to bring the magic to the world. And I never have and never will stop believing in Miracles.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Sex and the City

I have no logical, rational reason for watching that movie as much as I do. But, I know what it is for me. It is about friends...being real. Sure, parts of it is about fashion and how I would give my left toe to wear some of the outfits just once!!! But, the draw for me really is about real friends.

Since I have gotten really sick this last time and felt very lost, my husband has rallied and found some of the closest people that I know (unbeknown) to me to write, call or come and see me. He finally told me what he had been up to. Funny thing is...I was writing the same people at the same time.

I had a dear friend come to the hospital to see me and it meant everything. Today, she came with her sister (who both of them are close college friends) and they came all the way down to bring food, and mainly laughter. I saw them and I cried like a baby. For one to drive all the way down from Virginia for me and to my other friend to do all she did too....I couldn't believe that they did it for me. Tomorrow, my best friend and my other close friends are driving from Charlotte just to cheer me on and to see me. Last weekend, neighbors spend half of their day just to help me. One of my closest friends from CA, now in SC is hopefully coming next week. Friends with words of encouragement and harsh words that were meant in love to help. I feel so lucky and it humbles me to the core.

Thank you Blake for such a special gift. It is bringing me energy to keep fighting.

Real friends don't tell you what you want to hear. They tell you what they need you to hear. And those are the friends that have come forward. I needed that. God, i needed this.

I needed to know that not only my husband and children were behind me, my family, but, my friends. And to know that....I can get on that plane by myself and face whatever it is that I have to face in Cleveland, Ohio in a week. I am ready for health.....I will be 40 in June and I want a big blow out with my more sickness. Just health. So....I thank my army behind me.....I am ready now to fight and fight hard.

Thanks for giving me the strength and saying it like it is.... I love you all....

Come as you are...

This has been several weeks ago that I had this dream. It was so vivid, that it was scary. It was my grandmother and I on her front porch. She was my idol. It was SOOOO vivid... She grabbed my hand and we were silent for a long time. I could see every blood vessel in her hand, I saw her wrinkles just perfect. I could smell her, I could smell the fresh cut grass and the flowers she just planted....everything. Finally she looked at me and what a beautiful face... She took my face into her hands and said "Come as you are" then, the dream was over. I was so distraught when I woke up. Because it was so real and I wanted her back. She died in 2000. She was my hero.

I thought about it all day "Come as you are...." I finally got it. She was telling me to be real, to be authentic, stop being someone that I am not. Come just as I am. I worry a lot about what people think of me, did I do/say something wrong?, am I a bad mother? Wife? Friend? Is someone mad at me? How can I change to fix it? Am I good enough to be Blake's wife? Am I good enough to be worthy of our 3 children? I try to change to make everyone happy. But, I forget about me...who I really am. The real me.

I got it. She was telling me to be real. I spend so much of my time spinning and worrying about so and so thinking bad about me because I wrote this, or are my neighbors thinking this and that of me. Does everyone think that I am weak? What? So many questions. But, I know what she was saying. She was saying this....

Come to God just as you are, show your true self to everyone. Stop trying to be one thing to one person and then something to another so that they won't hate me, or dislike me. Because at the end of the day, it does not matter what anyone thinks....except for God, me and my Husband.

Blake (hubby) asked me a very serious question... "what do you want? who do you really want to be?" I was quick to answer.....I said that if I could be the authentic me...I would "be the hippy surfer chick that lives in me. I would wear t-shirts and shorts, and bare foot and spend my days at the ocean and surf with our babies. I would write to my hearts content.. I would take him and our kids to the beach everyday to find the peace that I find there. I wouldn't pretend to be the perfect anything ....I would just be me. I would meditate on the beach, I would do yoga, I would drive with my windows open and let the ocean spray hit me in the face. I would sit at the beach and talk to God everyday. I wouldn't care about how much money we had or material things. I would grow my hair long and run on the beach everyday. I would be real. Make no apologies for being sensitive, for writing too many words, talking to much, feeling too much, being too loud, laughing at anything, being silly with my family, being incredibly unique, being constantly misunderstood, speaking my mind, loving too much, loving my God like a crazy woman and not being judged for not following the "perfect Christian path" that someone made up. I would praise him in my way and I wouldn't make apologies for just being me, not being the "typical" anything. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and stand tall in who I am.

So, when Grandma tells me to 'Come as I am" I hear her. I may not be able to do all these things that I want to right now. But, I can stop making apologies for being me. Embrace me. Come before God and tell Him how bad I have screwed up so many times and ask His forgiveness and move on. Not worry about what Mr. or Ms. Jones thinks of me.

I am trying...trying to be just me. Not worry so much about not being what others want me to be. But, being who God wants me to be. Who I want me to be.

Friday, February 13, 2009


Having been in Duke hospital for quite some time now. I have had time to ponder and think, analyze. But, most importantly....I have met amazing people. I worked with a lot of people in Stress Management. Because as we all are learning that stress causes true sickness in our bodies. When I had my seizures in the hospital...they did the traditional meds, but brought in Jon...he is a nurse, but deals with your body and mind and what you are holding on to on the inside that could help you get out and start getting better.

Many sets of teams came to see me and work with me. I found the one about Forgiveness exceptionally hard. I think that I have forgiven everyone in my life. But, after going through all of this. I realize that I hadn't. They taught me that I don't have to confront the person...I could write it out. Because no matter how much I hate it, some people just don't like me or want to be a part of my life and that I have to accept.

But, the one person that I could not forgive...can't imagine forgiving is....... me. I truly feel like I am not worthy of forgiveness. At least not before the hospital. Hannah, you were the catalyst that helped me let the door back open to God. I was so stuck and floundering all over the place. Saying the wrong things, acting erratic, wanting to run as far as I could like Forrest Gump. I have lost people in my life from my actions. For that, I am so truly sorry. But, I learned how to say that I am sorry to myself. That things that happened in my life were not all my fault. And everytime someone shut me out...I thought I had a terrible disease and went into a hole and never came out. It is not about is about forgiving me for being so horrible to myself. Blaming myself for the worlds problems. Blaming myself for not being perfect to everyone. Blaming myself for not being the friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother, that I thought I should be. Blaming myself for not finishing my script thatI had slated to finish last year. Blaming myself for putting my husband through so much and our kids because of being sick.

So, with the days that I had there...I learned how to forgive....others and especially me. It will continue to take time. But, that is ok by me. I learned through the teams that worked with me at Duke that if I don't let go and stop stressing and worrying and feeling guilty. If I don't forgive others and especially myself...then, my body will constantly stay in a cycle of sickness. I hate hate hate hate hate hate being sick.

So, forgiveness is a part of the puzzle that can help me get my life back together again. One piece at a time.

Forgiveness is to release the poison from your body. It does not matter what others think of you. You don't have to find yourself worthy of others (God finds you worthy) and forgive you.

Work in progress. But, it is progress.....

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

My new friend "Gus" who brought a big smile!!

I have been on the 9th floor of the "Penthouse" at Duke Hospital Oncology floor since last Friday By Penthouse, I do not mean bon bons, or is just the top of the building :) At first , I was nervous to be on the floor. I didn't feel like I had the right to be amongst such amazing men and women. Then, as Blake and I took a walk around the floor to get some exercise...there were the various men and women in their room. As I looked in, I smiled back and waved. In that moment, they waved back just as fervently with a beautiful smile. I realized then and there....we all wanted the same thing, to be loved, to be noticed, to have someone look them straight in the eye. It was hard to see Blake leave that night because since I am farther away, I won't see many people. When, I woke up.... I enjoyed getting out on the floor to get a procedure done. Except, this hospital visit is pretty painful for me. My stomach hurts so bad, the migraines are about as as intense as they ever have been. The normal procedure that goes down my throat was a lot harder than i originally thought. They actually had to put be me under for it. And it seemed like I was a lot under a lot time. And boy, does my throat hurt from the scope and it caused massive pain and so much gunk afterwards. fun.

Then, I was wheeled back from to my room with a massive migraine, coughing until my ribs hurts, and my stomach killing me. Then, there he was. This beautiful blond male that had the silkiest coat that shined from here to New York, he tail was wagging and he was a lovely Lab. He stared at me with his tail wagon and I couldn't let go of my eyes off of him. He was gorgeous....Sorry Lilly (our bulldog)....I hope she doesn't get too upset. After I got out of the wheelchair and into my bed. They asked if he could come up too. I was so happy. He laid his head on my lap, and just stared and smiled at me. And I just hugged him and cried. I realized that all I needed was a big hug and to be shown that it was going to be ok. Because, after hugging him...I was ok.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I never know what doctor is going to show up or what they will say. The BIGGEST problem that I am having is....the Internal Med Doctor is the doctor is the one that admitted me from the ER room. I had not met him until saturday. For the 99th time, I had to tell him my story all over again. I was told my the nursest that he was a great doc. They must have missed the part about him and his bed side manner. As Blake and I were trying to get it all out about what we have been through....he cut us right off and asked "well, what do you want us to do?" If I had not been as sick as I was and had I not already taken off my tennis shoes. One one of have been hurled at him. Boy, for very doctor that I could have said that about....I would be shoeless... He thought we were telling him to cut out my colon that night. Boy did he have it backwards. And bigger than that...he had no Gastro experience. We started over AGAIN and tried to explain what had happened. He wanted to know why we didn't go to UNC. WHAT? We are here at Duke where people from all over the world come to get help.. And here is this Dr..."why, don't you head on down the street?". Buddy, I am this close to putting on my heavy tennis shoes!!!!! But, Blake talked calmy too him. SO, then the Gastro person was brought in and she understand and she understood every single word I had to say. Thank the Lord. But, before my test this morning, Mr. Mc Internal Med says he still doesn't know how to help. So, before I went to my procedure....I called and left messages for Cleveland Clinic and then will be getting the name that my friend sent from UNC. I pray that it will all work out, because all the nurses and dog carrier told me that they wanted me to stay on their floor. Because the floors are not always full. I was flattered. SO, as it is getting late and I am watching Sex and the CITY FOR THE MILLIONTH and one is time for me to attempt sleep. They all come in the morning and I have to act like I am awake and can actually answer questions. :)

I do not know what will happen next or what the next procedure will be. But, I do know that I am ready for visitors when you are able too and for most of you with out of the home jobs and in home jobs, it might be the weekend. Who knows what will have happened my then. But, I promise to keep you in touch.

Please pray for Blake and our children. The day before I went into the hospital, Maya left my room crying to her daddy if I was going to die. And tonight, she called me with crocodile tears and asked when will I ever come home again and that she missed me so much. Now, I can handle all the needle poking, surgery, migraines....but, I cannot handle the pain in my hear that our child asks with a very painful voice and tears coming down her cheeks wondering if her Mommy will every come home again. How did you answer that and not show her your scared too?

I am also scared about how my parents are going to continue to be able to take care of the children with all of their conditions. My head hurts....So, I am going to sleep in one of the loudest rooms in America. But, I have no complaints...I am truly lucky. I really am. I just don't want our children to have to suffer from not going on playdates or outside while I am in here. It hurts me enough already.