Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sunday Morning Tears....changing over to a sunny day....

I woke up this morning and couldn't stop the overwhelming amount of tears. Not sure where they came from, but, it must have been pent up. The truth of the matter is...sometimes I have this dream that I will wake up and the pain will be gone. I had one of those dreams last night. I dreamt of running. Somehow, I was in Central Park in NY and I was chasing our kids and we were flying a kite and we were laughing and laughing. Blake and I were playing touch football (yes, I am about the only girl that loves it) and he tackled me and the kids piled on top and we were all laughing.

So, when i woke up and the first thing that I felt was my face on fire and felt the heart beat in my ears and could hardly touch my face due to the pain. My heart was racing, and my legs throbbed uncontrollably. My back was hurting intensely. I started to cry and was hoping that Blake would not find me this way. He did, and as always, he lovingly held me. I told him my dream and then how I woke up. He said he understood how that must have felt. He reminded me how far that I have come and there were no expectations on me. To give myself a break and stop being so hard on myself.

If I was to be brutally honest....I would tell you that I beat myself up almost everyday. Because I expect to be better. When i am not, i get angry. I feel I am being betrayed by my body. The waiting is killing me. I can handle any diagnosis....but, these tests were so specialized, that it could take another week. Patience in this case is not my virtue. Blake told me that no matter how much worry that I did, and getting upset that whatever is going on is already there. No amount of worry is going to change that. Whatever is there. So, I need to get up and get moving through the pain and enjoy the life that I have. One of my favorite things to do is to write and I have barely done that. So, I vowed to myself that i would write today. Because I can't stand being around myself like this today. :) So, writing brings me back to earth and gets me out of the mire.

The rain is changing to sunshine..... :)

Enjoy this beautiful Sunday!!!!

Sunset at Holden Beach, NC

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