I used to believe that tears were a sign of weakness. I remember being a kid and if (no..when) I got picked on..sometimes, I couldn't hold back the tears. I would get called a "cry baby". I hated that. I still get angry at myself for crying. Because I seem to cry at inappropriate times. Like, when I am angry...I get so angry that tears come down my face, which only makes me angrier. Or cry over something small that someone said that in the scheme of things are so small. But, the big things..somehow, I don't know how to cry. I just get quiet. I am learning that crying is ok. That crying is truly a cleansing of the soul. And I am starting to take the advice that I give to our children. I tell them all the time, that it is ok to cry. That tears are just a way to wash out the bad. So, I am learning to take my own advice. I still cry at inappropriate times....so what if i got wired a little differently than the rest :)
But, I cried this morning for many many different reasons. I woke up and knew that my sister and my nephew were leaving today to go back to Florida. She did so much for us and she says that she didn't. How wrong she was. Just being able to talk things out and not having to worry about saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. I was able to just be me. It was hard lying down on the couch and seeing her work circles around me. But, she kept reminding me that is what she came up here for. My nephew played with our son and they had the best time. She was like a comfort blanket this week. Then, my other sister came over to say good bye to Charlene (my FL sis) and then my brother came over. Having us all together even if it was for a brief time filled my heart with so much joy. Each one of us is extremely different from the other, but, yet in many ways...we are alike. We have this bond that really no one can break. We can all fight and hiss and carry on. But, we all come back together. We are not only siblings, but we are best friends. Not many people get to say that.
I stood in my front lawn and watched Charlene and Charlie leave for Florida, my brother left to go back to work, and my other sister took our son to lunch. I held back the tears until everyone drove away. The tears are full of gratitude, joy and much love for these 3 people who God so kindly blessed me with to call my brother and sisters.
I cried because an angel secretly talked to the YMCA and they invited our girls to join their track out camp free of charge. Everyday, they are happy..they are playing with their friends. It brings me so much joy because I know that they are happy and not so worried about me. They need to be kids. They don't need to be asking me which scan do I have to get next "Is it the CT scan Mom, you know...the donut hole one?, or is it the MRI one...you know Mom...the long tube? or is it a PET scan like Pa has to have done?" Kids that young should not have to have that as part of their life, but, yet...that is our reality no matter how much I try to keep things from them. They hear.
Today, they were invited on a day long play date. That is so huge for me and for them. I am overwhelmed.
This morning, the FedEx truck came and the kids ran to the door to see what was in this box. My dear friend Greg in Nashville had sent me many CD's that were soothing and healing, and just beautiful. My sisters and I hovered all around them...they all want ed these CD's. I think all of us are dying for soothing music!
My tears are of joy, gratitude and a touch of sadness seeing them leave. And tomorrow, is another amazing gift. It is too much for me sometimes, because I don't always feel worthy of the help, or the gifts. Two of my best college friends are sending me to get my hair, nails and toes done. I think I will be in utter shock. Just like this week, the church brought someone over to clean our house.
I am overcome with humbleness. And tears are my way of releasing so much that I have inside. And you know, that is ok. I don't need someone to give me permission or worry what others will think. I just have to remind myself that it is not weak...it is strength for me to let the water flow out of my eyes.