Lately, I have been having an extremely hard time getting sleep. I had trouble before, but, in the last month or so...I have not been able to sleep before 4 o'clock in the morning.
One reason is that I hurt. I can't lie on my stomach, sides, or my back. So, I try to get into whatever position that has the least pain. I was in the ER the 2 weekends prior to this and was admitted into one. I will write a more technical piece about all of this later.
Another reason I have had a hard time sleeping is due to fear. I might have written about this before. I want to share something personal that happened to me about a week ago. I believe this was an answer to my fear. You can believe it or not. I believe this was real with my whole heart.
I dreamed of this beautiful Paradise and I had been there before in my dreams because I have used this image when I meditate to try and control my pain.
This dream was different. I could smell the smells, I could touch the flowers, and I could see everything in vivid detail. This dream, I saw myself in a long white gown, it had dirt all over it, my feet were dirty, my hair was matted and I was headed to this beautiful Waterfall. I walked on the rocks to get closer, the water was so cold. Everything was so serene....so beautiful. The smell from the flowers were overpowering.
As I moved closer to the Waterfall, I could see a figure that looked to be in the middle of this masterpiece of rushing water. I started to feel the splashing of the waterfall mist on my face. Clarity started to happen, I saw a man with a long white gown in the middle of the waterfall, yet he was completely dry.
I recognized him. I fell to his feet and I cried uncontrollably. I told him that I was not ready go yet. It was as if I had an out of body experience. I was completely drenched from the waterfall. I saw my body and my gown become completely cleared from the dirt that I had all over me. It was like dark blood or dirt going out of my body and letting the stream take all of the impurity away.
I felt a hand on top of my head and the voice sound so familiar. He said to me "My child, it is not your time" As I looked up, there was only light where I believe God was standing.
I stood up and my gown and hair were drenched, yet, cleared of the dirt.
At the moment, I woke up.
When I woke up, (this really happened) Blake was calling out my name really loud and shaking me to wake up. He was home this day. He took the children to school and when he came back, I obviously was having a severe sugar low. I was out of it for what seems like a long time. Blake was scared that he couldn't wake me up. He said that it scared him so badly. I told him about my dream. He said "this gives me chills, because you were out of it and I did everything that I could to wake you up and you went somewhere...you weren't here"
I believe with all of my being that I had one of those coma's that happen with severe hypoglycemia and while I had no idea what was happening to me, Blake was on the other side trying to do everything that he could to wake me up.
He keeps showing me signs that it is not my time and that I have great things to do. I am no longer fearful of dying...because it was so serene and amazing. I just am terrified to leave my family. I am not going to worry about that one right now. Because I have to focus on healing. This is happening at a turtle's pace. I know God has a sense of humor, because he knows I am impatient, Type A, go getter gal. So, to be basically shut down and doing it His way has been hard. But, I have surrendered it all to Him. I pray for these doctors in the next couple of days and my safety up there as well as my family back home. Thank you all for SOOOO much you have done...
"Never give up...never ever give up" Jimmy V