Please forgive me for my emotional blog post today. But, I am devastated.
Most of you will say "Shame on you, people have it much worse". And I couldn't agree with you anymore than that. You are so right. Those that have cancer and terminal illnesses, I am amazed at your strength.
I have said before, that each person has their own "Hurricane" and a Hurricane is a Hurricane.
I have put in this hospital for 3 days, with no pain medicine and really no medicines at all. And the strange test that I received for Pophyuria as a diagnosis....UNC completely discounted it. Said it wasn't the right labs, huh? This is only the GI portions of it. What am I supposed to do about the bladder? the kidney? The 9 month pregnant looking stomach, the black-outs, the fainting, the sugar lows in the 30's that can make you go into a seizure. Or this Immune Disease the Cleveland said I have. All of that is supposed to be dropped? That is what they said to me. That I need to get one diagnosis and work with one doctor.
The diagnosis being Chronic Abdominal Pain Syndrome. I about lost my mind. I let everyone know how I felt including my attending. I told them what they are doing to me is putting a nail in my coffin. Because I KNOW...I KNOW there is more to this. I know my body. I am not some dumb blonde.
They want to know why I felt that way....I told me my lack of faith in medicine anymore. 3 misdiagnosis that could have caused serious damage. I believe in my heart that this is another huge mistake. HUGE. I don't care what they say about only seeing them (UNC) for everything. Because, I am not. I will work with my primary care and Cleveland Clinic.
My doctor says he is looking at me as a whole person and I was very complicated and I needed to cheer up and have a better attitude. I lost any grace that I had left.
I believe that something is really really wrong. Without exagerattion, I believe that this is the end of me. I don't know how many hours, days, or years. But, these incredible mistakes and not working with me on my body....the whole body...that eventually one of the organs is not going to be able to tolerate it anymore.
I have cried all day, and I think about is how damaging this will be for my husband and children if I die of medical error. They will be in therapy forever. What will Blake do?
I am writing a letter that I am putting with my will and letting my family know where it is. I will make sure that they know that I have gone everywhere and tried everything and at my last stop at a Univ....this is what happened, and that I believe that no listening to me on this one will be the death of me. Literally. I would hope that my family would go into a full blown malpractice suit.
I will treat this as a terminal illness and in a few days, I pray that I will get over my extreme anger, betrayal, sadness.....the list keeps going with words. And I will deal with the pain that I have been dealt with. I will follow Gods will and I will love everyone with my whole heart and not leave any un settled baggage. I will bask in the beauty of my children even if I am hurting so bad. I will love my husband wholeheartedly......
Who knows when we are all going to die? I don't...however, I do feel like I know a time frame.
I love you all and thank you for supporting me..... Many Many Many blessings to you all!!