Where do we go from here?

I haven't written in two months.    I ended up getting terribly sick. Went to the Cleveland Clinic again, then have been in the hospital for most of October and Nov.  I ended up having a PICC line put in for nutrients and food to feed my body.  I developed high fevers after that was put in.  I had severe anemia, and other major depletion's.  I was so sick there a few weeks back.  I ended up back in the hospital with a high fever 103f (I am known for 97.0 F)  I had sepsis, which is a blood infection.  It messed up my body pretty bad.  You don't realize how serious it is until much later.  My blood pressure was dropping like crazy.  My doctor said that if I could not get it up in numbers...then, I was headed to ICU.  He hooked me up to another Saline bag and pumped fluids in me like crazy.  I responded well and my bp went back up.   Shew....avoided ICU.  NO thank you.  A step down unit is just fine. 

It was a mess, because both of my arms developed cellulitis and I was feeling like I was getting pneumonia again.  My doctor actually discharged me and sent me home on antibiotic therapy.  He said I was getting sicker there in the hospital.   Interesting....

I did well for a day or two...and then boom....Swine Flu.  Kicked my butt. 

I stayed focused the whole time on my husband and had a picture with me of our children.  Mind over matter,  mind overe matter.    I went back into the hospital through ambulance.  Kidneys, the works.   I stayed a week.  And again, they felt strong that they were doing more harm than good by keeping me the.  That we could do everything out patient.   I missed my appointments in Cleveland at the Clinic.   I couldn't help it.    I have been home now for about a week and a 1/2 and have been getting my strength back.   I have enjoyed immensely being home.  Especially with the kids.  The girls have been home with me the most.  I just stare at them when they are not looking and  I tear up and think of how lucky I am.

That is where I am now...lucky, blessed.   I went shopping, rode my bike around the block.  Doesn't seem like much to many.  But, it was everything to me....

Where do I go from here?  Being in the present, being thankful, being grateful and living out loud in the world.  Making sure that where I feel I have left things undone...work on making peace.  Even if the other person doesn't want peace with me...I am fine with that.  I need to let go and say I am sorry where needed.   Hug my husband everyday and make sure he knows that he has been so amazing.  To let our children know that they are the light of my life.  I cannot imagine life without them. 

Happy Thanksgiving!!!   I know what I am thankful for ....do you?

The Latest Medical Update...

I am working hard on blocking out what is going on with me. Everyday that I wake up..I thank God for how many blessings He has given me. I try and block out the pain, Terrible habit I picked up a long time ago. I have learned to come out of my body (metaphorically speaking of course) and it is as if I am watching someone else's life. I try to use to think of everything to keep from thinking of the pain.

Where we are right now is a Thyroid Immune Disease. However, what no one can help me with is...how is my hyperthyroid in normal ranges and I have not been thrown into hypothyroid (which happens after going into remission of Graves Disease which is what caused the hyperthyroid.) ? Basically my immune system is attacking the thyroid.

I go back to Cleveland Clinic next month and I will go to hematology/oncology and find out what is attacking the good cells. My immune system is terrible despite all of the vitamins. It has been confirmed that I have an absorption problem. I can't really absorb anything, and the other is all of the vitamins that I am deficient in which causes a whole host of nasty stuff.

The other is that my bladder and colon completely stopped about 8 months ago. That is the part that NO ONE can figure out. So, now...I mainly have to have a catheter in to go #1 (I am a Mom ok? those are the words use) or if it is not indwelling, then I have to do it myself. Because anything left in the bladder causes infections. That is exactly what has happened....I have not stopped having kidney infections or UTI's for months now. Which means tons and tons of antibiotics. Which I hate. Because now, I am resistant to most everything. I have had two MRSA (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/mrsa/DS00735) infections at the injection site of where my IV was. The next day, my arms were swollen, lesions and on fire!!! Ran a real high fever. Was on multitudes of Antibiotics. Most recently, one of my UTI/Kidney infections turned out to be MRSA. That is really bad stuff. It can take you down in a flash!!

There are many parts of my body that are not functioning correctly. Cleveland Clinic is honing in on where some of them are. Right now, it is my bladder. Since I have something called Urinary Retention and somehow my body does not give out signals when it is time to go....So I hold an ungodly amount thus rendering me to the world of self catheters or indwelling catheters. Lets suffice it to say....IT HURTS!!!! What is happening is that my stomach grows to ginormous portions and pushes my diaphragm and whatever else up into my rib cage. Makes it very hard to breathe. The urinary retention pushes urine up into my kidneys, causing serious infections.

I was taken in an ambulance on Thursday because when I went to my doctors appt...I was shaking from the pain so bad. Not only that...when I got there, I was bleeding profusely. Mind you....most of my insides have been taken out. I still have your basic liver, heart, lungs and spleen :) I was supposed to be admitted. But, I had to go through ER first. I HATE the ER with a passion. And as sick as I was....it boiled down to the fact that when I took a Urine Test at the ER....I only had 4 red blood cells, He said there was no reason for me to be in that kind of pain with that. HELLO? I just lost half of my body in blood...and there is no reason to keep me? He sent me home with another indwelling catheter and this time, I have to lie flat on my back all the time for about 5 days so that my bladder and kidneys could calm down. I cried so hard in the ER....because I felt like this is a hopeless situation.

Well, I took a shower this morning thinking that it won't be that bad. Wrong answer...tons of blood. And massive amounts of blood this afternoon. I have no idea what is going on there. Neither can the guys who went to college for becoming a doctor and they are supposed to know more than me. Cleveland Clinic had a lot of tests for me to take, and more down here. I am getting everything set up for Home Health to come in after I have a PICC line. She will show me how to clean the port and give myself the IV. I pray that the insurance will pay for that. That is one of many prayers.

Keeping my mind off of everything is my new job working from home (NuCerity), and writing. I will say that the best things for me to keep my mind off all of this is funny things....jokes, funny videos, funny or encouraging movies. Or talking about YOUR life...not mine...I cannot tell you the countless times people have said "Oh...my problems are nothing like yours", or " you have too much on your plate to talk about me", or "I figured since you hadn't been in touch with me that you didn't want to talk to me"

Let me say, I desperately want to hear how you are doing...and everyone's problems are equally hard no matter what your circumstances. There is no rule book/judging/scores on who has it worse. So, please don't stop talking about what is going on in your life. I genuinely want to hear. I may not always able to talk, or write right away...but, don't give up on me. I am trying...trying really hard to beat this battle and sometimes I make mistakes by not responding sooner. Thank you for all of your love and thoughts and prayers.

Sending blessings your way!
Caroline

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

I used to believe that to forgive someone who had really hurt me , or had done unspeakable things...was letting them off of the hook. I always said I forgave this or that person. But, the rage was still inside. I would go so far as to allow people back into my life just to prove to myself and others that I could forgive.

Something wasn't right about it. My heart rate would go up and my throat would close up and horrible anxiety would set in. Why was that happening to me? I mean, I prided myself on how I could handle it all. My closest friends would say "How do you do it? You must be so strong".

No, I wasn't strong. I was betraying myself by telling myself that I had forgiven. When just beneath the surface when scratched, a million feelings would emerge. I learned that it was a process. Learned that letting go was a part of the forgiveness. And I learned to cut that wound out of my life. Many times, I would write down the hurt and put it in a bottle and when I was at the beach, I would send it out to sea. Letting go is the biggest part of forgiveness.

It has taken me a REALLY long time to set a certain prisoner free. That is me. My whole life, I have blamed anything wrong that would happen on myself. If I fell short of expectations, I couldn't forgive myself. I was scared to make people mad, or sad, or anything. Somehow, I took that as me failing and I could not forgive myself for that. It has happened even recently with people that I thought were friends. They cut me out, and I blamed myself. I would not forgive myself for anything at all. It is something that I work on to this day. Like being sick....I can't forgive my body for not doing what I want it to do. It continues to betray me. I believe that the poison of not forgiving goes through my veins and has attributed to making me sicker.

Most recently, I learned of one of my dearest friends father passing. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She told me it happened many months ago and the reason that she didn't tell me was because I had too much going on and she didn't want to bother me. I was sick for days over this. I beat myself up so much for not being there. For being consumed in my world. Becoming blind. I could only think "What horrible person would not see her friend hurting?" The same goes for my family and extended. I always feel that I am never there for them and they are all going through rough times. I keep making the same mistake over and over again with loved ones, and friends. Not seeing what is going in others life. What horrible person could I be if I was so consumed that I did not know about her fathers passing? Or being there for my friends and family in there time of need.

It is a bitter pill.

However, the beautiful thing about forgiving is you stop poisoning yourself. Remember, forgiving is not to make the other person feel better. It is for you to release and to let go. And shut that door and protect yourself.

As for me forgiving myself....it is work in progress. I realize that no one is perfect. And no one can make you feel like you are worthless. Only you can do that. But, I find that each day that passes..the prisoner in me is slowly but surely being released. It has left me raw and unprotected, because I have never known a life where I didn't beat myself up.

Letting go is so freeing and I am lighter each day I am grateful for every single event that has happened in my life. Every one. Believe it or not, I am thankful for the illness these past 2 years. It has forced me to chisel away at the rock of pure poison that I was holding on to. I am finally seeing that sparkling diamond that is inside.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

I have had a hard time being able to find my own voice on this subject. And now, thanks to a few mentors in my life and help...I am learning to accept me for who I am.

Growing up, and even until recently I always apologized for who I am. I said I am sorry for everything, even when it was the another who hurt me or something that could not possibly be my fault. I have allowed people to treat me in ways that I accepted. Because for some reason, I thought it had to be my fault.

I have wasted so much energy in this lifetime trying to be what others want me to be. I lost my way. I accepted the criticism, I accepted the name calling, I accepted the outright rudeness towards me. I accepted having friendships that were only coming from my side and the other side just used me when they needed me. I accepted giving myself to others and expecting nothing in return. And that is what I got...nothing in return...and when I reached out to find out what I had done wrong (when, in reality..how could it be my fault when no one lets you in)...the barrage of "You are too sensitive, too much drama, too much, too this and that"

I have now been guided by the help of some amazing mentors to take claim who I am back and to not apologize for the attributes that make others uncomfortable.

Yes, I am "super sensitive", I am too much at times, I do come on too strong at times...it is only because I am trying so hard to get that persons approval. I don't need their approval anymore. Yes, I am quite silly, I am a dreamer, I am passionate, I am forgetful, I am all or nothing, YES...I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things, I did (not now) allow people to use me as a door mat and then me apologizing profusely for not being the perfect door mat. I am quirky, I can be a dork, I can be maddening, I dream big, I laugh and talk too loud. I believe in many different things. I dance whenever I feel like it. I cry when I am angry, I cry at commercials....I am a lot of things that people, and MANY close to me have said about me.

I am me....and I am claiming all of those things as mine and make no apologies for being a person who beats to a different drum. If you do not like me, or want to hear me, or look at me. Move. Or "unfriend" me from whatever social network I am on. But, I am not apologizing any longer for being the person God intended me to be.

You know what? I am glad that I am sensitive. Because this world is FULL of insensitivity. People have become puppets, the world is majority analytical and they want me to fit into their world. No longer, I fit in my world and those that love me, like being in my world.

Should you find yourself not liking who I really am. It is your loss. My husband, and children love all of the quacky ways about me. And you know what...I do too. No more apologies.

Do it for yourself too....be who you are meant to be. DON'T chase after people who are not worthy of your time. Did you know that you are worthy? I am. And YOU get to choose who is worthy enough to be called a friend, or who you want to spend your energy on, and you are worthy enough to be EXACTLY who you are with no apologies.

It has taken me my whole life to get it. It took a really hard talk the other night from my mentor. And for the first time, I got what the people who loved me tried to say....be true to yourself.

I claim my strengths and weaknesses and I love all of them. Try doing it for yourself....I suppose that is what freedom is.

Facing the Giants

As I sat and watched FACING THE GIANTS which I have many times before, this time...something really hit me. For those of you who do not know me...I love the underdog. Especially when the cards are stacked against a team, a person. RUDY is my all time favorite movie. Both are football movies. There is something about watching a person running into a brick wall. You can't imagine that brick wall will every come down for that person. But, when you witness the perseverance of that person or team hit that brick wall time and time again and you watch it crumble and they make it to the other side. You my friend have witnessed what it means to Face The Giant.

The part of the movie that hit me and I am not sure why it hit me hard this time. But, it was the part where the captain of the team was already talking about being defeated that Friday night. The coach asked him why he felt that way. The player said "Because they are 10 times bigger than us" **Along those lines*** Anyway, the coach has him do the "death crawl" Coach says "make it to the 20 yard line, no...the 30". The player mumbled and grumbled while he got on all 4's. You use your arms and your legs and they cannot touch the ground. The part is, you carry someone on your back while you are doing it. The kid on his back was about 160 pounds. The coach blindfolded him. He told him that he did not want the player to lose track of his focus by looking at the 30 yard line. So, the player kept going and the coach kept telling him "You can do it!! DON'T GIVE UP!!!" the player is sweating and says he can't go any further. The coach gets on the ground and hits the ground and tells him "You can do it...don't give up, don't give up!! You can do this!!! 30 more yards!!" The player kept telling him how bad it hurt. The coach says "I know it hurts, but, you have it in you...don't give up...give it your best!!" The coach is still on the ground with him and tells him to stop. The boy lies on the ground. Coach says "Look up" The player did.... Coach says "You are in the end zone"

The premise is never giving up no matter how hard something is, or how painful it is, or how your beliefs about yourself make you think you can't make it, and it is about no matter WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS OR BELIEVES ABOUT YOU....it is about you, not them...reaching deep where you thought there was nothing, and finding out that you can do it and drowning out the trash talk. And the guy on his back is metaphorically all of the luggage you carry around that is so heavy and you feel you cannot make one more step. You can. God never said to give up, even if you have a lot of baggage on your back. Don't give up.

It touched my heart so much, because that is what God and my many coaches have been telling me. They have crawled on the ground with me when I had pain that I never knew existed, or I was terrified to go to sleep because I thought that being as sick as I get, that would be the last day, or when I wanted to give up and just move so that I wouldn't be such a burden on anyone with all of my illness. They kept by my side and hit the ground telling me to not let go...to keep going. Even when I saw no hope that the doctors could heal me, or how much debt we had, or how much I felt I had lost in my life, and how angry I was.

I was blindfolded (metaphorically), so that I would not just stop at a certain point and say "well, I made it to the 30 yard line" NO...I am blindfolded to keep on doing the crawl and never giving up on me, my family and friends, on others, and all the dreams that I have....the success of my new business, and success of my writing and the love that I have for Film and most of all not giving up on God."

I say this to you.....come crawl with me... I will scream to the ends of the earth to tell you that you are good enough, smart enough and YOU CAN MAKE IT TO THE END ZONE, don't stop at the 30 yard line. Take it all the way, not by sight, but by Faith. And to never, ever give up. The obstacle is never too big, and you might think it is over because you are a certain age, personality, size, hair color, certain weight, people chatter in your ear that you can't do it, or you are a loser, or you are this or that, whatever it may be.

You focus, you crawl through that pain, you crawl through that anger, you crawl through that disappointment, don't listen to the ones that say you can't make it. That you are a dreamer and the chances are a trillion to one for success, you drown out that noise. Listen to your coach crawling on the ground with you screaming "Believe it, you can do it, don't give up!!!" You keep crawling and never let those arms or knees hit the ground.... I am crawling with you...but, you know what? I am headed to the End Zone baby, you better keep up!!! Because, I will be doing my victory pose!

Happy Daddy's Day!!

So much focus is usually on Mother's Day. I get that, I am a Mother of Three. However, I want to talk about my husband. And I want to talk to other men out there too.

Let me say this right here and now....any guy can be a SD (Sperm Donor is what I politely say). Sex Ed 101 taught us that somewhere back in the day. But, the difference is....It takes a MAN to be a Daddy. You are not a daddy because you have the same blood running through your veins as that child. You are not a daddy even if you don't share the same DNA, and you live in the same house. You can call yourself a Father all day long. I want to share with you what the difference is to be a Father vs. a Daddy. You don't need me to explain the SD category. Self explanatory.

Becoming a Father is easy in my eyes. You may or may not watch the woman carry a child in her stomach for 9 months. And for those of you who put that baby there and were never around and left her high and dry. Please don't ever utter the words "Father" or "Daddy". You are a sperm donor. This is not bitterness. This is real life. You do not get that privilege.

You can be a Father by being by their side during labor. You go back to work, and some men are still stuck in the 50's and believe that the woman stays home in bare feet and makes sure the house, the baby, the garden, the everything is done by the time you get home and then look smokin' hot all at the same time. You play with the baby, child or say "wassup" to your teenager (because frankly, you have no idea what else to say) Then after about 15 minutes, it is time for you to rest. You are there when you can for important events, IF the work schedule works for you. When you do not know who your child is but, in today's standards you helped "raise" them by financially by buying their food, clothes, tuition, etc. and your nuclear family lives under the same house. You still have the right to call yourself a Father. No judgements, that is how you either learned your role or chose that role.

Here is when you earn your "Daddy" wings. When your child is not of your exact DNA. However, the blood that beats in your heart, the blood beats for that child. When your child is up until 4 am throwing up everywhere and you hold your hands out for your child to throw up in. When your child has fallen down on the ground and has a nasty "boo boo". You don't even think about asking anyone else. You scoop your child up and fix the boo boo and put a Band-Aid on. You wipe their tears and tell them not to worry that "Daddy" is there.

Being a Daddy means you want to know your child. You want to know everything. You feel their pain, you feel their joy, your heart is full everyday for that child. You would lay down your life for that young baby, child, or teenager. You pray for them, you ask the Lord to watch over them every single day of their life. You help pick out their clothes if they want you too. Some men are color blind (no names mentioned...:) But, they TRIED. Do you see the difference? THEY TRY. As heavy as your schedule was, you would do whatever it took to make that baseball game. Or make sure if you have a girl that when her favorite movie comes out...you take her out. (I know, I hate some of those movies too. ) BUT....the time you invested and the simple act of wanting to spend one on one time with that child will reap tremendous benefits.

Some men say "I am their step-dad" or "Foster Dad" or "Adoptive Dad" or the Dad figure in that childs life. Ok,...there are rules to this. You can only call yourself a fill in the blank-DAD if you follow the DADDY rules. If not, you are a fill in the blank-father if you help provide for that child. If you do none of the above. You sir, are just a man in that childs life. You don't get to escape the rules. You CHOOSE.

I need to say this loud and clear. Just because you and the child share the same DNA....THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A DADDY. You are in one of the two other categories. You CHOOSE to be a DADDY. The same blood running through your veins does not give you that coat of armor. You earn it. I think you heard me on that one.

By being a Daddy...you show respect for the woman who carried that child for you and you chose to be with. If you are divorced...no matter...you can still be a great daddy. I know a ton of them. Do not disrespect the other person involved in the creation of this gift from God. Because when you do, that child is a part of that DNA and it hurts them to the core. (This goes for the moms too..don't talk about your ex in a bad way in front of your child) Do what you need to do...not in front of your child. Show respect. That is a Dad. Teach your son how to respect a woman. Teach your girls about having high standards. They are watching you. If you disrespect someone, the boys will do that to others and the girls will assume that is what is supposed to happen to them. DON'T DO IT. They will carry it all the way to adult hood. Don't make that child carry that burden. Be a Dad. An involved one.

Men, it is time to think about some things. It is incredibly easy to make a baby. Life is about choices. When a child enters this world, they have a destiny. They are not necessarrily destined to be with you. That is how I believe. In my situation with my children, God chose their Daddy. To wear the badge of Daddy is an honor. Something every man on this earth should strive to be.

Some men I know have never had children. Do you know that you can be a positive influence in a childs life, especially when their Father or SD isn't around? Look around for opportunities to mentor these amazing young boys, soon to be men. There are many associations that have mentoring programs. You as a man have the power to affect the course of a childs life. You were not given that power for evil, but, for good. It is an armor, it is the highest armor of steel that you could ever, ever wear. Wear it with dignity.

Many of my friends never knew their father. Some never had a male presence in their home. Some did and it was horrible. I see a lot of divorced parents that the men go out of their way to get to know their former significant other partner. High five to you!! Seriously, because if you are man enough to allow another man to help raise your child...that is awesome. It does not mean you all have to barbeque at each others house every week. But, keeping the peace for the child and there is the word RESPECT again. RESPECT your former partners choice. Being a good Dad is making sure you know what is going on. That child trusts you enough to tell you if something is going wrong. Respect and Trust and are so fragile. It is so hard to get and so very easy to lose.

Father's, and SD (sperm donors)....step up...do the right thing. It is never too late.

To my husband, you have been the most amazing Daddy to our three children. Your heart beats for them every single day. Your eyes light up when they walk in the room. They look at you as their hero. You pay attention to what each one likes. You are sensitive to the fact when one child feels left out. Your destiny was to be a Daddy. My goodness, I have never seen anything quite like it. It is a gift that our children will carry with them for the rest of their lives. Thank you for being my partner in this life to raise our children to love, to respect, to honor, and to grow into amazing women and man. God destined for you to be their Daddy. Thank you for choosing to be more than a father, but, a dad.... a dad who lives for our children. The blood does not have to be directly from you. God put their blood in you when you chose to be their Dad. It runs through the course of your veins. That my sweet husband is what a Daddy is all about.

None of us are perfect. Try...that is all you have to do is try.

Children need to know that they are special in a healthy way. They need love, food, sunshine, fun, and above all....they need you. They don't care about the stuff..(of course they tell you they do!!) Deep down..that is not what will make them into the human beings they are destined to be. Be a Dad....and be damn proud of it!!! Happy Daddy's Day!!!!

Get up and walk in the eye of a Hurricane

After being in the hospital for most of the week and coming home and turning around going back in. I came home last night.

You know what the best thing about coming home besides the obvious of being with my children and husband. Well, it is the small things. The smell of my home, my comfortable bed, my pillows, my shower, my dog who is slobbery and a cat who is the size of real life cheetah. No matter how messy the house is...it is our home. I didn't care if it looked like a hurricane hit it. We are in the process of packing for our move. It is home. And I am loved here.

We are in the eye of the Hurricane right now. But, today, this Sunday morning, no matter how I feel...it is the baby steps. And that is getting up, getting dressed and getting out into the sun. I cannot tell you what will happen in the next second or minute. Who can? But, slowly...I have to find a way to get up from the boxing ring that I have lived in now for so long and grab on to the side of the ropes and put my gloves back on. Regardless of how bloody or how painful it is...

You always have to get up...no matter what and put your boxing gloves on. You might be weak. But, the weak become mighty. I will be mighty again.

Life has to go on.