Saturday, February 21, 2009

Come as you are...

This has been several weeks ago that I had this dream. It was so vivid, that it was scary. It was my grandmother and I on her front porch. She was my idol. It was SOOOO vivid... She grabbed my hand and we were silent for a long time. I could see every blood vessel in her hand, I saw her wrinkles just perfect. I could smell her, I could smell the fresh cut grass and the flowers she just planted....everything. Finally she looked at me and what a beautiful face... She took my face into her hands and said "Come as you are" then, the dream was over. I was so distraught when I woke up. Because it was so real and I wanted her back. She died in 2000. She was my hero.

I thought about it all day "Come as you are...." I finally got it. She was telling me to be real, to be authentic, stop being someone that I am not. Come just as I am. I worry a lot about what people think of me, did I do/say something wrong?, am I a bad mother? Wife? Friend? Is someone mad at me? How can I change to fix it? Am I good enough to be Blake's wife? Am I good enough to be worthy of our 3 children? I try to change to make everyone happy. But, I forget about me...who I really am. The real me.

I got it. She was telling me to be real. I spend so much of my time spinning and worrying about so and so thinking bad about me because I wrote this, or are my neighbors thinking this and that of me. Does everyone think that I am weak? What? So many questions. But, I know what she was saying. She was saying this....

Come to God just as you are, show your true self to everyone. Stop trying to be one thing to one person and then something to another so that they won't hate me, or dislike me. Because at the end of the day, it does not matter what anyone thinks....except for God, me and my Husband.

Blake (hubby) asked me a very serious question... "what do you want? who do you really want to be?" I was quick to answer.....I said that if I could be the authentic me...I would "be the hippy surfer chick that lives in me. I would wear t-shirts and shorts, and bare foot and spend my days at the ocean and surf with our babies. I would write to my hearts content.. I would take him and our kids to the beach everyday to find the peace that I find there. I wouldn't pretend to be the perfect anything ....I would just be me. I would meditate on the beach, I would do yoga, I would drive with my windows open and let the ocean spray hit me in the face. I would sit at the beach and talk to God everyday. I wouldn't care about how much money we had or material things. I would grow my hair long and run on the beach everyday. I would be real. Make no apologies for being sensitive, for writing too many words, talking to much, feeling too much, being too loud, laughing at anything, being silly with my family, being incredibly unique, being constantly misunderstood, speaking my mind, loving too much, loving my God like a crazy woman and not being judged for not following the "perfect Christian path" that someone made up. I would praise him in my way and I wouldn't make apologies for just being me, not being the "typical" anything. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and stand tall in who I am.

So, when Grandma tells me to 'Come as I am" I hear her. I may not be able to do all these things that I want to right now. But, I can stop making apologies for being me. Embrace me. Come before God and tell Him how bad I have screwed up so many times and ask His forgiveness and move on. Not worry about what Mr. or Ms. Jones thinks of me.

I am trying...trying to be just me. Not worry so much about not being what others want me to be. But, being who God wants me to be. Who I want me to be.

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