I have been on the 9th floor of the "Penthouse" at Duke Hospital Oncology floor since last Friday By Penthouse, I do not mean bon bons, or manicures...it is just the top of the building :) At first , I was nervous to be on the floor. I didn't feel like I had the right to be amongst such amazing men and women. Then, as Blake and I took a walk around the floor to get some exercise...there were the various men and women in their room. As I looked in, I smiled back and waved. In that moment, they waved back just as fervently with a beautiful smile. I realized then and there....we all wanted the same thing, to be loved, to be noticed, to have someone look them straight in the eye. It was hard to see Blake leave that night because since I am farther away, I won't see many people. When, I woke up.... I enjoyed getting out on the floor to get a procedure done. Except, this hospital visit is pretty painful for me. My stomach hurts so bad, the migraines are about as as intense as they ever have been. The normal procedure that goes down my throat was a lot harder than i originally thought. They actually had to put be me under for it. And it seemed like I was a lot under a lot time. And boy, does my throat hurt from the scope and it caused massive pain and so much gunk afterwards. Oi....no fun.
Then, I was wheeled back from to my room with a massive migraine, coughing until my ribs hurts, and my stomach killing me. Then, there he was. This beautiful blond male that had the silkiest coat that shined from here to New York, he tail was wagging and he was a lovely Lab. He stared at me with his tail wagon and I couldn't let go of my eyes off of him. He was gorgeous....Sorry Lilly (our bulldog)....I hope she doesn't get too upset. After I got out of the wheelchair and into my bed. They asked if he could come up too. I was so happy. He laid his head on my lap, and just stared and smiled at me. And I just hugged him and cried. I realized that all I needed was a big hug and to be shown that it was going to be ok. Because, after hugging him...I was ok.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I never know what doctor is going to show up or what they will say. The BIGGEST problem that I am having is....the Internal Med Doctor is the doctor is the one that admitted me from the ER room. I had not met him until saturday. For the 99th time, I had to tell him my story all over again. I was told my the nursest that he was a great doc. They must have missed the part about him and his bed side manner. As Blake and I were trying to get it all out about what we have been through....he cut us right off and asked "well, what do you want us to do?" If I had not been as sick as I was and had I not already taken off my tennis shoes. One one of have been hurled at him. Boy, for very doctor that I could have said that about....I would be shoeless... He thought we were telling him to cut out my colon that night. Boy did he have it backwards. And bigger than that...he had no Gastro experience. We started over AGAIN and tried to explain what had happened. He wanted to know why we didn't go to UNC. WHAT? We are here at Duke where people from all over the world come to get help.. And here is this Dr..."why, don't you head on down the street?". Buddy, I am this close to putting on my heavy tennis shoes!!!!! But, Blake talked calmy too him. SO, then the Gastro person was brought in and she understand and she understood every single word I had to say. Thank the Lord. But, before my test this morning, Mr. Mc Internal Med says he still doesn't know how to help. So, before I went to my procedure....I called and left messages for Cleveland Clinic and then will be getting the name that my friend sent from UNC. I pray that it will all work out, because all the nurses and dog carrier told me that they wanted me to stay on their floor. Because the floors are not always full. I was flattered. SO, as it is getting late and I am watching Sex and the CITY FOR THE MILLIONTH and one time....it is time for me to attempt sleep. They all come in the morning and I have to act like I am awake and can actually answer questions. :)
I do not know what will happen next or what the next procedure will be. But, I do know that I am ready for visitors when you are able too and for most of you with out of the home jobs and in home jobs, it might be the weekend. Who knows what will have happened my then. But, I promise to keep you in touch.
Please pray for Blake and our children. The day before I went into the hospital, Maya left my room crying to her daddy if I was going to die. And tonight, she called me with crocodile tears and asked when will I ever come home again and that she missed me so much. Now, I can handle all the needle poking, surgery, migraines....but, I cannot handle the pain in my hear that our child asks with a very painful voice and tears coming down her cheeks wondering if her Mommy will every come home again. How did you answer that and not show her your scared too?
I am also scared about how my parents are going to continue to be able to take care of the children with all of their conditions. My head hurts....So, I am going to sleep in one of the loudest rooms in America. But, I have no complaints...I am truly lucky. I really am. I just don't want our children to have to suffer from not going on playdates or outside while I am in here. It hurts me enough already.