Having been in Duke hospital for quite some time now. I have had time to ponder and think, analyze. But, most importantly....I have met amazing people. I worked with a lot of people in Stress Management. Because as we all are learning that stress causes true sickness in our bodies. When I had my seizures in the hospital...they did the traditional meds, but brought in Jon...he is a nurse, but deals with your body and mind and what you are holding on to on the inside that could help you get out and start getting better.
Many sets of teams came to see me and work with me. I found the one about Forgiveness exceptionally hard. I think that I have forgiven everyone in my life. But, after going through all of this. I realize that I hadn't. They taught me that I don't have to confront the person...I could write it out. Because no matter how much I hate it, some people just don't like me or want to be a part of my life and that I have to accept.
But, the one person that I could not forgive...can't imagine forgiving is....... me. I truly feel like I am not worthy of forgiveness. At least not before the hospital. Hannah, you girl.....you were the catalyst that helped me let the door back open to God. I was so stuck and floundering all over the place. Saying the wrong things, acting erratic, wanting to run as far as I could like Forrest Gump. I have lost people in my life from my actions. For that, I am so truly sorry. But, I learned how to say that I am sorry to myself. That things that happened in my life were not all my fault. And everytime someone shut me out...I thought I had a terrible disease and went into a hole and never came out. It is not about them..it is about forgiving me for being so horrible to myself. Blaming myself for the worlds problems. Blaming myself for not being perfect to everyone. Blaming myself for not being the friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother, that I thought I should be. Blaming myself for not finishing my script thatI had slated to finish last year. Blaming myself for putting my husband through so much and our kids because of being sick.
So, with the days that I had there...I learned how to forgive....others and especially me. It will continue to take time. But, that is ok by me. I learned through the teams that worked with me at Duke that if I don't let go and stop stressing and worrying and feeling guilty. If I don't forgive others and especially myself...then, my body will constantly stay in a cycle of sickness. I hate hate hate hate hate hate being sick.
So, forgiveness is a part of the puzzle that can help me get my life back together again. One piece at a time.
Forgiveness is to release the poison from your body. It does not matter what others think of you. You don't have to find yourself worthy of others (God finds you worthy) and forgive you.
Work in progress. But, it is progress.....