Monday, November 24, 2008

Crazy, silly, now funny moments during my illness.

Sometimes, in the middle of a storm....there are moments where you laugh and they aren't always the most appropriate times. I will go ahead and tell on myself because I can laugh about a lot of things now.

On one of my ambulance rides to Duke, they took me up to my room. I thought that I would be alone. I was, for a brief moment. I was having a bout of pancreatitis and boy was I in a lot of pain!! They bring in my roommate. Lets just call her "Mabel". The second this woman (in her 80-90's) saw me..she started shouting at the top of her lungs "Honey, it has been so long since I have seen you!!" Her sons were with her. They kept telling her that she didn't know me. She looked at her son as if he were crazy and she looked at me "Hell yea I know her. We used to work in the factory together" She motioned for me to come on over and give her a hug. Mind you, I am hooked up to everything. I have a migraine and my pancreas feels as if it was on fire!!! She kept going on and on for many hours. She wanted her son to take a picture of me. He did...with his cell phone. It was not funny at the time, but, when I look back....I did laugh. Here is a 90 year old lady screaming at the top of her lungs that we worked in a factory together. My next roommate was in her 80's. I nodded hello and she didn't speak to me for most of my stay. I am pretty sure she thought I was deaf. :)

One of my hospital stays, I had a doctor that I could not understand for the life of me. He came across rather rude. His foreign accent was so thick. That didn't help along with the pain medicine. I remember him telling Blake and I what the plans were for me. All I know, I must have told him how things were going to work and I was reaching down for my shoes, high heels...whatever. I guess I was trying to take off my shoe and throw it at him. There were no shoes on me...just those nasty hospital booties. The next time he came in, the nurse told me later that he was scared of me and wanted her to accompany him. People please....I am not scary.(or am I?) I did laugh about that one.

The absolute, most horrible embarrassing moment of my entire life happened a few months ago. I have something called a paralytic ileus. That is where your colon is paralyzed and trust me nothing you do will make anything move. This condition alone has put me in the hospital so many times, that and my kidneys.

So, it was this beautiful Sunday and we were just coming back from church, and we got ourselves a nice coffee from Starbucks. Then, we went to see our good friends at a Victorian type Mansion nearby. They are going to turn it into a Wedding Reception/Spa place. Mind you that there is no electricity or plumbing. We thought possibly one bathroom worked downstairs. So, we all took the tour of the place and I was having a great time envisioning everything...where the spa would go and where this and that would go. The kids were loving how huge it was and they could run around and they loved hearing the history behind it.

*****All Sex and the City The Movie viewers will understand this next part, this is what happened to Charlotte****

**Warning to all sensitive people who don't like gross need to read the rest****

All of a sudden my stomach started growling like a tiger ready to make a pounce. Then, sweat started to pour down my face and nausea hit quickly. The noises in my stomach got louder, like the part in the movie (S&C) where Charlotte drank the Mexican water. The noises grew louder and my face started to contort. I was very polite and quick to ask where the bathroom was. I blamed it on my 5 year old and said she needed to go. (Of course, Maya says "I do not need to go to the bathroom!!!") My friend pointed me to the bathroom downstairs. I am in heels and the stair case is very steep. I took off like a cheetah trying to catch its next dinner. I have no idea how I managed not to kill myself running down those stairs. I made it to the bathroom. Ok...lets be honest, I made it to the bathroom door. I will be as delicate as possible. I made it inside the door and trust me when I say that my colon was no longer paralyzed. I shat myself from here to eternity. It never stopped, even when I made it to the toilet that I was told would didn't.

So, it gets better, the high society group was invited for an impromptu tour. One of the ladies was a descendant of this mansion. Here I am stuck in a very dark bathroom with a tiny flashlight and frankly...covered from stomach on down in you know what. I had to scream out to Blake or the kids. Of course, my whole family came busting in the bathroom. The immediate reaction was "OH MY LORD, WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE?!?!?!" I am crying....the toilet doesn't work, no tissues, no nothing. And there was no window to open to help with the aroma lets say..... Blake, as always, is the quick thinker and the rational one. I told him he was going to have to tell my friend what happened so that I could get help. I was in that tiny dark scary bathroom for one hour. Alone with what smelled like a 100 year old poop. Sorry for the visual...but, seriously, I hadn't gone for a month. Blake sneaks in paper towels and some Organic tub cleaner. I didn't care if it was bleach! We took my dress off to clean it with the tub cleaner and seriously sprayed a brand new bottle until it was almost empty. I was on the floor scrubbing everything that well, never made it to the toilet. Then, Blake sees the toilet. I will never ever be able to get that out of my mind. He was like " How can a human being have so much s#@& in them? The toilet was full and there was no water there before. By this time, he had taken off his tie and wrapped it around his face like a doctors mask. My friend brought a few cups of water in hopes that the toilet would flush., wasn't going to move. So, it was time for me to come up with a plan. There were no locks on the bathroom door, so I was holding it with all of my might so that no one would come in. Blake came in and I said I was going to go across the street and find more water. I snuck out the back door so that no one could talk to me, because if they did....lord help them.

I made it across the street to a pizza place. Begged for a huge pale with water. Dragging what felt like a 100 gallon tank, I moved as fast as I could to the secret door and ran into the bathroom. Blake is still manning the bathroom so that no one would come in. His face looks white and I think he was on the verge of a serious throw up session. I begged for him to hang on. All the while, i am crying because I am so mortified. My colon had been paralyzed for a MONTH....nothing was coming out. Why this day? Who knows. Anyway, we poured the bucket of water into the toilet and finally, successfully it flushed. We scrubbed the room down in this pitch black bathroom. We scurried out of there so fast that it would have made your head spin. My friends were trying to console me...I was like "You best stay about 10ft away from me" We found trash bags for me to wear on the ride home. Being a complete baby about it...I cried all the way home. Hubby has his arm on my shoulders and I glance sideways and notice that it is taking everything to keep him from laughing.

My sweet 8 year old said "Mommy, it is ok. I poopied in my pants before too. Except that was when I was wearing diapers " At that moment, I looked at Blake and we died laughing because we had every window in the car down...I am in a couple of trash bags. Hubby says to me.."one day sweetie you will laugh about this". I started crying again...

The next day, we had some sort of party at my sisters house and everyone was there. Word leaked out (excuse my pun) what had happened. At the dinner table, no one would look at me....I notice that everyone's face is red and they have a smirk on their face. My sister busted out laughing that she is probably in the same spot today laughing.... She says to me "So, I guess your new name will be "The Shatter". The whole table finally released what they were holding in and laughed and my brother fell out of his chair and even my Mom was laughing.

I can't believe that I can now say that was funny. We have a lot of potty humor around here now at my expense. Wow...what a day is all I can say!!

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