My life over the last few years, has been totally and utterly unpredictable. Each and every day is unpredictable, whether I have the best laid out plan or not. Which frankly, is hard on me. Shockingly, there is a part of me that is laid back. It is different though, I am a free spirit. I could pick up and travel anywhere in the world and you could drop me off and I would be happy and I would figure out a plan. I would have a backpack on and ready to see the real world, not the "tourist spots" I mean, I might browse :) But, I do wish that I was like my husband in the sense that nothing really bothers him, bugs him...nada, nothing. He is so laid back that at times, I have to check his pulse and make sure the ole heart is still going. My favorite saying is "It's all good". He uses it back on me all time. However, there is the biggest part of me that likes/needs to have a plan. I need to know what is on the calendar for the day, and for the next week. There is comfort in "knowing".
That is why the physicians and surgeons who have been treating me always remember me. One is that I am always making a smart ass joke. Example: "Caroline, do you have any allergies?" I say "yes", they ask " what kind of allergies?" My standard reply is "I am allergic to hospitals". I get the usual eye rolling. The second reason that they remember me is I am the kid in the movie Jerry McGuire "Did you know that the human head weights 8 lbs. ?" You would have to see the movie to understand what I am talking about. The gist is that I ask a million questions. "What is that you are putting in my arm?, what tool is that?, what is the procedure EXACTLY?, what does that test result mean?, or Mr. Dr. X what you are saying contradicts what the NIH (National Institute of Health) Abstract on the biliary tree on pg. 10, sect. B says it quite differently...." You catch my drift. I like to know what is going on at all times. I suppose it is a type of control issue with me. And truthfully, there is a level of distrust from my side. I had a doctor telling me during my second pregnancy that all that was happening to me was that I was stressed out because I had a full time job and baby". I let him know exactly how I felt. Then, as I mentioned in previous posts about the difficulty I had in my second pregnancy. Well, Mr. Doctor....my so called "stress" was eclampsia. Had I let it go on and listened to his analysis...I would be dead now. Thus the distrust factor.
NOTE: Be your own patient advocate. Make sure you have researched everything and just because someone has a degree that makes them a doctor...it is your right to question what is going on. Ask questions, right them down on a piece of paper and ask him/her in a very scientific way without the emotion. Doctors are now being so overloaded as are the nurses that they can only help so much, because there are a line of people waiting for them. Know your stuff!
So, you can imagine with all the changes in my life...I have had to figure out how to let go of some things and have a Plan B and if Plan A doesn't work out. Sometimes, I have needed a Plan C or D. And there have have been many times, that I didn't have a plan after Plan D. In those cases, we were just flying by the seat of our pants.
Especially this last year has tested my marriage, my strength, my belief system and has made me question so many things. This year has taught me that I HAVE to lean on people and that I have to give up control to God. Ouch....that has been hard. Also, it has taught me to get "out of my head" and reach out more and ask if someone needs anything. This year has also taught me to reach out and let people that i am close to, or even if many years have passed...I want them to know that I love them and I appreciate them. I apologize for the thing(s) that I had done wrong to that person or not...most of the time they have no clue what I am talking about. But, for me...I can bury that and can move on.
It is hard when 2 weeks ago, I am driving myself to Charleston for a huge 40th birthday party for one of my dearest friends and seeing old friends and laughing until I couldn't laugh anymore. Very little pain, just pain from the laughing and smiling. Then, one week and a few days....I get sick. This time it is pneumonia. It started out as a cold...because my children were sick and my immune system is very weak. So, if they have a cold, I could easily pick up something like some rare disease or something. I am on a ton of vitamins... So, it is hard when one second I am fine, and the next second...I can't talk or breathe and am on bed rest. I don't call anyone because frankly, I don't want to hear "are you sick again?!" as if they are angry at me for having pneumonia which is totally out of my control.
I am writing this post as my husband and children are with our close friends and their children seeing a funny movie and having popcorn and having a wonderful time. I am happy for them, I really am. Because if anyone needed to get out of the house..it would be my husband who has carried so much of the load and our babies (they are still babies to me) are having the time of their life because they are hanging out with their friends too. It is easy to slip into that mode of thinking "why me?" and throw a pity part for 1. Then, I reach down hard into my soul and find the strength to watch a funny movie. Write...which I adore to do. Work on my vision journal. I will cut and paste pictures of how I envision my life to be. I grab my bible and hold it close to my chest and have a feeling of strength.
This too shall pass and really "It's all good" I always say, what matters is not how you fall down, but, how you get back up. I will never stop getting back up, because God has allowed me to live and continues to renew my hope and faith. There are a million people out there suffering. You can do something to help. A kind word, a prayer, anything. Pay it forward my friends. The blessings that you will reap will absolutely blow your mind!!