Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Storms of a Heart

I know most of you guys out there (if you are even reading this) will not know what I am talking about. But, most of the ladies will. I was watching Sex and the City (The Movie) for the 100th time.

There was the part where Carrie is in her wedding dress and she is walking up the stairs to marry the man she loves and then he stands her up. The pain in her face (although I know that was acting). Then Miranda's husband told her he had an affair and he was one of the nice guys. Watching it felt so real that it brought back so many storms of my heart.

When I love, I love with my whole heart. It is strange...I can be very jaded (well now I am), but there was still that hopeless romantic in me, especially when I was younger. However, that hopeless romantic girl got crushed over and over again. I was a sucker for the bad boys...the kind who didn't know how to commit, or didn't know to do anything other than cheat, or lie or whatever it was. I thought that I could "save them" or "love the pain out of him". Looking back, I cringe at the old me.

Then, there was the good guys that I kept at a distance. There was a tremendous fear that if I let them in, they would hurt me. Especially the Football player. Boy, was I crazy about him. I never let him know how I felt. When it came to the bad some sick way, I knew what to expect. I am not sure why some of us women are like that. My dearest friends would tell me over and over again and I thought that I knew everything.

In my life, pre-husband....I thought that I knew what love was. There were many times in high school where I had the biggest love crush on this guy. The football player that I was nuts over....and although I went out a few times with him...I guess it was my self doubt, but, I believed that I was just one of the many girls that were in line for his attention. I felt foolish for believing. I would come home and smile to my parents and tell them everything was great. Then, my poor pillow would get the well of tears. But, I was young...I chalked it up to that. I still should have told that Football player (who is now Chief of Staff in Cardiology) how much he meant to me. I have a feeling every other girl told him the same thing. I am not one to be one of the many. So, it all works out in the end.

Then, as I got older there were other times that my pillow was soaked with tears. My girls were always there for me....holding back my hair after a night of drinking to drown my sorrows away. Days where I wouldn't come out of the house because the man who said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...left me the next day. The Rugby guy that I thought was the "One"...only for us to break up for no particular reason. Oh, and lets not forget to mention the boyfriend who was sleeping with my close friends, or the guy that I thought I "loved" to tell me he had another girlfriend. The same time he was dating me, he said we were exclusive. Maybe in Sweden or something....but exclusive is exclusive where I am from.

Many points in my life, I wondered if I would ever be able to laugh again, to smile, to breathe, for my heart to stop hurting. Then, out of the blue...something happens and you start laughing. Laughing at a joke, laughing at yourself. Having your girlfriends show me how ridiculously silly I was. One day, each time....I learned to laugh. And then, with each heartache....I found humor and a better perspective.

Finally, I learned how to move forward and to laugh more. Then, out of nowhere....The man that I would marry suddenly appeared, just like all my friends told me he would. You know the talk "oh honey, you will find the right one when you least expect it". Each time, I wished I could have slapped them senseless! :) But, they were right. I kept him at arms distance. But, my arms finally gave way. In the end, all those buckets of tears that I shed... helped me. It made my heart grow and open to a whole new world.

You do stop hurting, you do stop crying, life does go on, and eventually you will thank the people in your life for helping mold you into the person that you are now. Then, out of nowhere...that person appears.

For me, laughter was what healed my soul. Well, God healed my soul and then laughter :)

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