Saturday, January 24, 2009

As a good friend said "Time to put on your Big Girl Pants"

Well my friends, I realize that I was starting to shut the world out again. I thought that by going into my little isolation world was the right thing to do. But, I see that in order for me to get back to optimal health....that I need you all. I need positive people in my life regardless if they live nearby or across the earth.

Those are the hardest words for me and for most people. Asking for Help. The truth is...I thought it would be better to handle this all on my own. But, I really can't. And I think if the tables were turned....I would want to pray or do anything for that person. I grew up prideful. I was always taught that you keep things to yourself.

There is a fine line...sometimes if you say too much, then you invite negativity. Then if you don't say enough, people think that you don't want them in your life.

The truth of the matter is that I have been sick for almost 18 months. I have had kidney, bladder, heart, major digestive problems. As time has gone has gotten worse. I have been in the ER so many times, I know exactly the procedures they are going to do. I have been in almost every Major hospital in the Triangle (NC) area. To put things in perspective, we have 3 small children and my husband works a full time job and he gives it everything he has. He gives everything to his family also. He has stood by my side and has taken care of me, our children and has given his job a 100%. So have my parents, and siblings. I couldn't make it through without them!

I have had to have multiple surgeries that I personally think has brought me to where I am now. The loss of a gallbladder, appendix, and an emergency hysterectomy, and multiple cyst removals prior to that. All of that causes substantial adhesion's and your insides do not always appreciate everything that has happened. I am told that I am an "unusual case"....hello? don't I know that already!!! :)

Where we are now is that it is very difficult to eat or drink anything without getting very sick. My stomach distends to what looks like a 9 month pregnant woman. Mind you that I have lost close to 110 lbs. Who knows what that did for my insides. We have gone everywhere to find help. Each specialist has said that it isn't their department. Others, my surgeons want to cut out my colon immediately. Others feel that I have MS. So, we decided to get aggressive and seek outside help. We are going to the Cleveland Clinic at the Digestive Disease Center.

Since I cannot absorb anything, I am malnourished and dehydrated, although I eat and drink like I am supposed to. But, most of the time I can't keep it down. So, now I am forced to be almost like a child. Help walking, eating, I cannot drive lately. My husband has to take care of me, or go to my Mothers with our children. I feel very angry at my body. I feel like I have been betrayed by it. saying that I see hope now. I really believe in the Cleveland Clinic. I see the light.

The interesting thing is....I only show the good pictures when I am feeling well. I didn't want to be that person that everyone says "Lord, what does she have now?" Or I put on my cheery voice on the phone, or when I do go out and see friends..I put on my best side of myself. I hide being the way that I am. It is exhausting. But, I am reaching out to each of you to ask for prayers, good vibes, light, encouragement. I know that I can't do this by myself.

I am not supposed to have any stress...I laughed in the doctors face!!! So, if any of you are out there with tips on how you de-stress...please write me. Also, I believe that I have to start juicing too. I need to cleanse my body with recipes for juicing (veggies,, fruit, protein) to keep me going. So...please forward whatever you have. Also, any suggestions on how you stay positive. I believe that illness is dis-ease.. Meaning something is not at ease in your body. I am obviously with dis-ease. I also don't want people to feel bad for me or think of me as selfish. This is very hard to do...reach out like this. My family would call it being "selfish" for sharing with you and asking for help. But, I firmly believe that when more than one come together, good things can happen.

I know that I cannot change some things...the way people talk about me, think about me....But, I know me and what is in my heart, I am such a loving person, non-judgmental, and I have to come to peace that I cannot please everyone. I know who my friends are and I know my husband and children love me. And that is what I have to concentrate on. I have to be there for my family. And I am over the nasty comment on my blog about losing a friend. With much counsel and prayer, I realize that is such a small blip on the screen in the scheme of my life. I pray for them and pray that they will come back into my life. I mentioned...I can only have positivity in my life right now to help me keep up my health. So, maybe certain friends will drop off. Who knows? I can only pray for them and wish them the best.

So, I am asking internet world friends to help me keep my spirits up. I will pray for each of you. Send me what you need in your life to be prayed for. I can't do this alone and my poor husband has carried so much of the load. So, I pray that these are the right doctors, that the right house will come about and where, and that my friends who I have lost touch with....please know that I care about you and need you all in my life. But, I have given it all to God. Writing is my therapy. It is the essence of who I am. Writing, reading scripts, movies...all of that is positive for me. I am reaching out....and that is huge!!! Thanks for reading and all the best to each of you!!!

As a dear neighborhood friend said..."Girl, it is time to put on your Big Girl Pants and get moving!" I hear ya....and It's on!!

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